The Onion |
- U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts
- Weird Things Our Boyfriend Does When He’s Home Alone
- Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break
- NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring
- Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind
- Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married
- Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian
- Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts
- Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances
- Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career
- Elderly Man Spends Afternoon Feeding Self To Ducks
- Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary
- Sex Fact: Did You Know?
- Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel
- Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election
- Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout
- KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home
- Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table
- Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns
- Our Lover’s Tresses Blaze Radiant As The Sun: We Break Down Why Longing Turns Our Thoughts To Them Like The Dew-Kissed Lily Turns To Greet The Dawn
- Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates
- DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes
- Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing
- What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage
- Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride
| U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts Posted: 20 May 2022 12:30 PM PDT  U.S. Soccer and the women's and men's national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think? |
| Weird Things Our Boyfriend Does When He’s Home Alone Posted: 20 May 2022 12:27 PM PDT |
| Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break Posted: 20 May 2022 12:05 PM PDT  KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt "all cooped up in that place" and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. "It's nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you're not allowed to smoke in there," said the unborn… |
| NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring Posted: 20 May 2022 11:55 AM PDT  NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international turnstile-jumping ring. "The NYPD has apprehended Carlos 'The… |
| Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind Posted: 20 May 2022 11:20 AM PDT  LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. "For the record, these accusations against me are wildly untrue, and were carried out by my genitals in a… |
| Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married Posted: 20 May 2022 09:50 AM PDT  The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying "I do." |
| Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian Posted: 20 May 2022 08:35 AM PDT  BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. "Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla's camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the… |
| Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts Posted: 20 May 2022 08:30 AM PDT  Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a "multi-platform entertainment franchise" that focuses on human feats rather than animal acts. What do you think? |
| Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances Posted: 20 May 2022 06:27 AM PDT  GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he'd done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets' playoff chances. "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know… |
| Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career Posted: 20 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation's most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career. |
| Elderly Man Spends Afternoon Feeding Self To Ducks Posted: 20 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT |
| Madison Cawthorn Loses GOP Primary Posted: 19 May 2022 12:58 PM PDT Madison Cawthorn, the youngest member of Congress, has lost his seat in the Republican primary for North Carolina's 11th Congressional District after a deluge of scandals involving run-ins with the law, sexual innuendo, and claims about Republican orgies. What do you think? |
| Posted: 19 May 2022 11:41 AM PDT |
| Tom Cruise Receives Standing Ovation For Entering Cannes With Cartwheel Posted: 19 May 2022 11:40 AM PDT  CANNES, FRANCE—Showered with praise for pulling off the spectacular feat, blockbuster actor Tom Cruise received a standing ovation at the Cannes Film Festival Wednesday when he arrived for the premiere of Top Gun: Maverick with a cartwheel. "Wow, how does he do it? This is why he's a movie star," said festival… |
| Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election Posted: 19 May 2022 11:10 AM PDT  PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr. Mehmet Oz this week to declare victory against Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. "Dr. Oz, you must not let the election officials steal the presidency from you," said Trump, who called upon… |
| Signs You Are Experiencing Parental Burnout Posted: 19 May 2022 06:26 AM PDT  Between children, work, and generally being a shitty person, life can feel impossible. Here are signs you are experiencing parental burnout. |
| KitchenAid Unveils New Countertop Food Truck For Ordering Street Tacos From Convenience Of Home Posted: 19 May 2022 06:17 AM PDT  BENTON HARBOR, MI—Calling the appliance a perfect addition to any kitchen, appliance manufacturer KitchenAid unveiled a new countertop food truck Thursday for ordering street tacos from the convenience of one's home. "With KitchenAid's new countertop food truck, home cooks of any level can open their cabinet, place an… |
| Surgeon Loses Another Patient Under Operating Table Posted: 19 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  ROCHESTER, MN—Reflecting that it never got easier to break the tragic news to the family, surgeon Peter Broadwell reportedly lost another patient under the operating table Wednesday. "Goddamn it, she was right here—how the hell did she just disappear?" said the Mayo Clinic thoracic surgeon, who rooted around under the… |
| Study Links Anxiety To Holding Broken Halves Of Mother’s Favorite Vase As Doorknob Turns Posted: 19 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  MEDFORD, MA—With its groundbreaking new research into what causes acute episodes of panic, a study published Thursday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has established a link between severe anxiety and holding the broken halves of mother's favorite vase as the doorknob turns. "Our data show that high… |
| Posted: 19 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT |
| Snapchat CEO And Supermodel Pay Off College Debt For L.A. Art School Graduates Posted: 19 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT Snapchat CEO and co-founder Evan Spiegel and his wife, supermodel Miranda Kerr, who were keynote speakers at this year's graduation ceremony for Otis College of Art and Design, made donations to repay over $10 million in student loan debt for the school's newest graduates. What do you think? |
| DeSantis Signs Bill Banning Protests Outside Private Homes Posted: 18 May 2022 11:00 AM PDT Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed a bill prohibiting "picketing and protesting" outside someone's private residence, in response to abortion rights protests recently staged in front of the homes of U.S. Supreme Court justices. What do you think? |
| Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing Posted: 18 May 2022 10:02 AM PDT |
| What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage Posted: 18 May 2022 08:59 AM PDT  The U.S. is in the midst of a significant shortage of infant formula, with over 40% of expected supplies currently out of stock, leading to concerns about infant health and outrage from parents. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the infant formula shortage. |
| Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride Posted: 18 May 2022 08:50 AM PDT  WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor Brandt reportedly realized Wednesday that chasing a vendetta was no way to spend his entire bumper car ride. "Sure, I could go and smash into that kid's car in retribution, but God only gave me so long on… |
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