Tuesday, 10 May 2022

Points in Case

Points in Case

I’ve Lived Longer than Any Dog Ever

Posted: 10 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT

Lassie. Wishbone. The dog from Frasier. Some of the best canine companions to have ever lived.

And what do all these great hounds have in common?

Dead. All dead.

But me, on the other hand? Alive AND well. In fact, it's safe to say I've lived longer than any and all dogs ever. GUARANTEED.

Why then, I ask, do I not receive even a fraction of the respect, praise, and accolades so commonly heaped upon these smelly housepets?

Point to any dog and I assure you that I've already lived beyond any number of years their feeble minds could comprehend. From a Maltese to the Newfoundland, in the big, wet eyes of a dog, I am nothing less than an eternal being existing beyond the constraints of matter and time.

So where's my treat for being a good boy?

Sure, dogs might be “man's best friend,” but I've had mere casual acquaintanceships that lasted longer than the lifespan of a standard poodle.

“Yeah, but what about dog years?” you might say.

“A dog could easily live to be over 100 years old in dog years!” someone like you might say.

Ok, hotshot, get this: I'm 238 years old in dog years RIGHT NOW, and you don't see me going around bragging about it! But no, please, continue heaping unconditional love upon these mutts who get all their food, lodging, and care absolutely FREE.

Am I wrong here?

You'd think the limited number of years a dog is given to exist upon this mortal coil would make them appreciate what they have and grab (their short) life by the horns. WRONG. Dogs sleep 12-14 hours per day, and even when they are awake, they aren't involved in the production of any goods or services. And what the hell are they always barking at?!

You want to know something that's really ruff (rough)? By the age of seven, a Great Dane's life is already more than half over. Yet I've been alive almost FIVE TIMES that long and still haven't even reached middle age. Just sayin'.

Just when you think you've seen it all, people will spend a majority of their income on a creature that will most likely not live to see the next U.S. Census, just to have it throw up right on their favorite chair. And somehow I'm the one on trial here?

No one's letting me outside to potty when I wake up in the morning!

Wanna know what happens when I take a squat in public and push out a steamy turd on someone's front yard? A one-way ticket to the local sex offender registry, that's what. And all for the crime of having a life expectancy 7.5 times longer than whatever kind of dog Snoopy is.

Look, it's not like I have anything against these noble beasts. All I'm saying is that I wish someone would give ME a free treat just for being well-behaved inside a bank. It's called being “fair and equal.” Christ, it's not like I've been conscious and breathing for the equivalent of 213 canine gestation periods or anything.

Oh wait, I totally HAVE been alive that long.

Don't even get me started on “good boy this” and “good boy that.” Listen: a bloodhound like McGruff the Crime Dog would only be able to dedicate 10-12 years TOPS towards putting criminals behind bars before common K9 health issues like cataracts, thrombopathy, and hip dysplasia rendered him absolutely useless. Sounds like ol' McGruff was taking less of a “bite” than a “nibble” out of crime.

Not such a good idea to let a dog solve crimes now, is it?

Is this what the world has come to? A place where a man can work his entire life doing everything right, pay his taxes, raise a family, live the equivalent of 75 dog generations, and still have NOTHING to show for it?

So am I looking for some sort of award? No. Of course not. But a little respect and acknowledgment of having, so far, outlived the oldest dog ever by 10+ years would be nice. That's seriously it!

Because, if not, the thought of living even just another 5-7 years (the lifespan of a Bernese Mountain dog) is almost too much to bear.

9 Amazing Vacation Destinations to Check Your Work Email

Posted: 09 May 2022 10:00 AM PDT

Cancun: Pack your swimsuit and head to the beach! Just be sure to stay close to your hotel so you can still get a Wi-Fi signal. Pro tip: bring a parasol to reduce the glare on your laptop screen when you're checking Outlook for five minutes, just one more email, OK babe?

Japan: Propose to your girlfriend next to Japan's iconic cherry blossoms! Then hop on the bullet train—during the ride, you'll get picturesque views of lush forests and snowy mountains (including Mount Fuji!), so sit back, relax, and proofread your boss's latest PowerPoint deck until you reach the next unforgettable stop on your itinerary, whatever it is.

Jackson Hole: Time to hit the ski slopes! For ten minutes, that is, before you come inside—because you promised Carl from Accounting that you'd send the budget reports by EOD. Your ski lodge will have plenty of outlets to plug in your MacBook while you ignore your friends. Hey, it's your bachelor party weekend and you can do what you want!

Venice: The most romantic destination for your honeymoon! You and your lover can wander the narrow streets, enjoy a cappuccino at a cozy café, and ride a gondola through the city's famous canals at sunset. You'll hold hands, gaze into each other's eyes, and lean in for the kiss—until your Bluetooth earpiece beeps. It's your boss. Sorry, hon, this call will be quick—ten minutes. Ninety, tops. Promise!

Disney World: The happiest place on Earth! Get a Mickey Mouse laptop sticker as a souvenir to remember all the fun times you spent answering Slack messages during the parade, in line for the spinning teacups, and late at night in the hotel after your wife and kids have gone to bed without speaking to you (again).

Egypt: It's on your bucket list to see the Great Pyramids of Giza, and your wife has been begging to go—it's been so long since you two had quality time together, whatever that means. You don't mind, because when you dial into your team's weekly strategy meeting, everyone will think the pyramids behind you are just a cool Zoom background.

London: What better way to spend your 25th wedding anniversary than visiting the London Eye and Big Ben? Also, your company has a satellite office here, so it's easy to pop in for a few hours to catch up on the marketing campaign deliverables, while your family who has given up on you is out in the city making unforgettable memories!

New Zealand: Mountains, beaches, even hobbit homes—NZ has it all! It's a shame that your boss called you back for an emergency in-person meeting. Don't worry, it's only a short 18-hour flight back home and you'll be back in a few days—just in time to watch Bee Movie with your kid on the plane ride home.

Macchu Picchu: Time for a solo vacation in the Andes! It's the perfect way to get your mind off your divorce, and your kids who never speak to you anymore. It's fine—you need peace and quiet to clean your inbox anyway. You're not crying, the mountains are just too beautiful. You're glad you came here—you really needed a vacation.

I Insist You Stay with Me, and You’re Going to Hate It

Posted: 09 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT

So glad you're coming to visit somewhere near me! You're one of my oldest friends, so I refuse to accept that you'd rather have the privacy, comfort, and convenience of your own vacation rental. I know you're just politely refusing my offer because you don't want to seem like you're forcing yourself onto me. I know that's not true. I'm the one forcing you onto me.

Now that I've threatened to end our friendship if you don't stay with me, I should let you know that I'm remodeling my place, so there will be contractors in the living room where you'll be sleeping. I usually sleep from 5 AM until noon, so expect to be up with me until five, and then wake up when the contractors start at 7 AM. Enjoy your mornings, and I'll you at noon!

You've had a long trip—would you like to take a shower? There's no privacy to undress, so you'll have to change in the bathroom. There's nowhere to put your clothes, so you'll have to bundle them on the doorknob. Anticipate some of them falling onto the wet floor while you're showering, but don't worry, hanging them in the damp bathroom will never quite dry them.

Grab any grimy, used towel you see decomposing on the towel rack. Help yourself to the empty shampoo bottles. The soap is mostly dissolved in the standing water that can't make it through the clot of hair in the drain, but I'm sure it's down there somewhere.

I insist on making you breakfast, even if you'd rather try the bakery down the street. I only have dry toast. Hope you like millet bread. I'll just cut the mold off, and we'll be good to go.

Did you have plans to do things? Hmmm. I'm afraid once you arrive, it's too awkward for us to separate. I'm just not sure the things you came here to do will fit into my schedule, now that we're together every moment you're here.

Honestly, the things you're excited about are kind of touristy. I live here, so I've either done them all, or I'm too cool to ever do them. Instead of the famous sights everyone talks about, I think it's more authentic if you accompany me on a series of personal "sightseeing errands."

I just realized that you can see the outside of the museum you wanted to visit on our way to my therapy appointment, so that works for both of us. My therapist has tons of magazines to read while you'd rather be exploring the city. Then we can eat lunch in one of the charming outdoor cafes, if it's on the way to my dry cleaner.

You're going to love my new boyfriend, by the way, who'll be with us throughout your visit. He likes to play video games, listen to noise-metal, and snack on pickled eggs, so that's what we'll be doing.

Well, not all that we'll be doing. My boyfriend and I will also be having sex, loudly and often. You're welcome to use your earbuds to muffle our intercourse, or you can wait in the hallway, and return to the smell of our furious lovemaking.

Speaking of smells, do you like morning breath?

Hey, did I tell you that I'm coming to visit your town next month? I insist that I stay with you. You know, to return the favor. My boyfriend is coming too, so please stock up on plenty of pickled eggs and pump-top lubricant.

Most importantly, clear your schedule. Take time off from work while we're there. Call in sick if you have to. Just don't expect to run any errands. You'll be having too good a time enjoying the touristy sights we want to see now that we're the tourists.

Also, my boyfriend is bringing his noise-metal band to practice in your living room. So don't worry about entertaining us, because we'll be entertaining you!

It Is I, the Toddler Who Values Financial Literacy Due to NFTs

Posted: 08 May 2022 08:00 AM PDT

"Does your toddler need an NFT? Zigazoo says yes. The app's mission is to 'empower kids to shape the very landscape and infrastructure of NFTs and Web3,' to help them ‘express themselves through art and practice essential financial literacy skills' and to allow them to grow into 'tomorrow's digital citizens.'" —New York Times, April 26, 2022

I remember when I was like the other toddlers. I too once sat around—lazily putting colorful blocks in their corresponding holes—wasting precious time that could've been spent more productively. Everyone knows time is money. Everyone except most toddlers, that is. They think time is play. Fools. I've since learned how to make my money play for me. And that's all thanks to NFTs.

Just this morning, I was drinking my morning coffee. I take it black, by the way. We financially-responsible toddlers prefer the hot bitter flavour of arabica beans over juice or formula. I was telling the other toddlers about how if they ever plan to retire, they'll need real dough, not Play-Doh. They didn't listen. They'd rather sing songs from Peppa Pig. We'll see who's singing when I'm retired at 6 and they're all working for me as full-time diaper changers.

Once I first saw my artwork hit the market, I began to understand. Previously, I thought the only way to shape a landscape was through DUPLO blocks. Then I saw my sales spike. Suddenly, I no longer had to beg Mom for a quarter to buy a gumball. Within hours I had made enough money to buy three gumballs. Then four gumballs. Then five. The growth was exponential. I overheard Mom and Dad talk about how they can't afford their mortgage. Perhaps I'll loan them a slice of my soon-to-be fortune, but I just started considering taking a loan out on a new crib.

Toddlers are known for asking "why" over and over. It drives many parents up the wall. Look, I get it. I used to be the same way. But then I learned a better question to ask is "how?" I see a news item about a billionaire acquiring a social media platform for a fortune. I don't ask why. I ask how. How did he get that rich? How can I get that rich? These are the questions that the other toddlers need to start considering.

Listen, most of these toddlers can barely recite their ABCs, let alone count. I asked how old a kid was, he said "two" and held up three wonky fingers. I mean, really? How will they ever make it in this cold world? I can count to… like… 40, and I never use my fingers. Not that I need to learn any more numbers. I'll be hiring a financial advisor for that.

So, parents, please take note. There's an epidemic of toddlers who don't care at all about building capital during this time of epic inflation. In fact, they barely even know when to use capital letters. Get them making NFTs. It's their only chance at financial freedom.
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