Friday 25 February 2022

The Onion

The Onion


Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957

Posted: 25 Feb 2022 05:00 AM PST

WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. "It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don't see those anymore," said Biden, who…

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Bottle Of Pepsi Only Thing Distinguishing Office Party From Regular Staff Meeting

Posted: 25 Feb 2022 05:00 AM PST

Medical Student Surgically Implants Bluetooth Device Into Ear To Cheat On Final Exam

Posted: 25 Feb 2022 05:00 AM PST

A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student's final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?

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Russian Forces Instantly Shrink To Size Of Ants After Seizing Chernobyl

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 03:06 PM PST

U.S. Imposes Single Painful Economic Sanction On Self Just To Show Russia How Fucking Crazy It Is

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 02:55 PM PST

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to show the international community that America's threats were not to be taken lightly, the United States reportedly imposed a single painful economic sanction on itself Thursday just to show Russia how fucking crazy it was. "I hope you can take a lotta pain, 'cause we sure as hell can," said …

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Finale Of ‘Arthur’, Longest-Running Children’s Show, Ends With 20-Year Time Jump

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 02:43 PM PST

Arthur, the longest-running children's animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled "All Grown Up," taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?

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U.S. Shocked Russia Would Invade Another Country After Seeing How Badly America’s Recent Invasions Went

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 02:15 PM PST

WASHINGTON—Bewildered at Vladimir Putin's reckless decision to launch an assault across the Ukrainian border, U.S. President Joe Biden expressed shock Thursday that Russia would choose to invade another country after seeing how badly America's recent invasions went. "We thought that the last couple decades or so of…

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World Leaders Vow Regular People Just Trying To Live Their Lives Will Bear The Consequences

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 01:40 PM PST

MOSCOW, WASHINGTON, KIEV, LONDON, PARIS, OTTAWA, BERLIN—As the ongoing conflict intensified significantly early Thursday when Russia launched military strikes in Ukraine, leaders from around the world vowed that regular people just trying to live their lives would bear the consequences of whatever comes next. "If…

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Man Dreams Of More Equal America That Just Sort Of Happens On Its Own

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 10:50 AM PST

CINCINNATI—In an impassioned call for a new era of social and economic justice, local man Dale Teffera, 37, told reporters Thursday that he dreams of living in a more equal America that just sort of happens on its own. "My greatest hope is to wake up one morning and suddenly find myself in a country where, somehow,…

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Scotch-Brite Unveils New Scouring Bread For Wiping Up Leftover Pasta Sauce On Plate

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 10:45 AM PST

MAPLEWOOD, MN—In what the company described as "a delicious way to clean dishes," abrasive product manufacturer Scotch-Brite announced Thursday it would begin offering a new scouring bread specifically designed for wiping up any dried pasta sauce that is left behind on a plate. "With our all-new, heavy-duty scouring…

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Amazon Transfers Insubordinate Employee To Shifts Working In Solitary Warehouse

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 10:45 AM PST

ROCKFORD, IL—Tossing the 29-year-old man into the sprawling, empty facility and slamming the steel security door shut, Amazon transferred an insubordinate employee to shifts working in a solitary warehouse, sources confirmed Thursday. "The wellbeing of our employees will always be Amazon's number-one priority, which…

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Celebrities You Never Knew Started Their Own Alcohol Brand

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 06:18 AM PST

With studios only willing to pay top talent tens of millions of dollars to act in films, Hollywood actors are often forced to find other sources of revenue to survive. Here are several entrepreneurial celebrities you never knew started their own brands of alcohol.

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Why Women In The Workplace Need To Stop Apologizing For Being White. Woah, Woah, Woah There, What? We Can’t Run This.

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 06:11 AM PST

Father Arrested After Telling 4-Year-Old Son To Shoot Officers At McDonald’s

Posted: 24 Feb 2022 05:00 AM PST

A Utah man told his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers who were attempting to arrest him in a McDonald's drive-thru after an incident that began over an incorrect food order, with the child wounding one officer before being disarmed. What do you think?

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