Points in Case |
- Banning Me from Game Night Is Nothing Short of an Orwellian Nightmare
- Well, Gang, We Completely Failed to Save the Rec Center
- ‘Twas the Night before Christmas, Uh, Four Weeks Ago
| Banning Me from Game Night Is Nothing Short of an Orwellian Nightmare Posted: 24 Jan 2022 10:00 AM PST Game night is a time-honored tradition that I've observed with religious reverence every Wednesday for the last six weeks. Over that time, I've unsurprisingly encountered many hard-earned victories, and even suffered one or two losses (but we all know those were fucking bullshit and honestly shouldn't even count). Naturally, I've made a few enemies along the way, as evidenced by the numerous texts in the group chat telling me not to bring my "musty ass around game night anymore." I suppose it's easier to send me crass texts than it is to defeat me in a game of Mexican train dominoes, which has never been done, by the way. Understandably, they'd rather ban the conductor than suffer the humiliation of one more ride on the pain train. On some level, I sympathize, but ultimately, I fear the precedent this sets. If someone can be kicked out just because of the things they say and do, what else can they be kicked out for? The things they wear? The way they look? The God to whom they pray? Unfortunately, this exact kind of bigotry is on full display when a "three board flips and you're out of the group" rule is instituted, which isn't even fair when you think about it because I was only told about this rule on board flip number two, and should therefore have one more board flip before I'm kicked out. Evidently, punctuality means nothing to this group. I always arrived on time, ready to play, and caked from head to toe in mud. Mud cloaks the scent of pheromones that are released during stressful situations, which can easily turn the tides of battle. If you choose to let me smell your fear, thus giving me a window into which Uno cards are in your hand, that's your prerogative. Just don't expect me to do the same. Also, regarding the arguments that my mud camouflage unintentionally comes too close to blackface for comfort, I want to say this: I see you, I hear you. I'm not going to stop, but I see you and hear you. Toning down my behavior is just not an option because I'm a natural competitor. You need only take one look at my massive gambling debts to know this. Usually, a competitive spirit is welcomed, even encouraged at game night. Unfortunately, the woke mob (Gary and his wife, who host every week) has convinced the otherwise sane participants in the group that it is something to be ashamed of. I suspect this targeted harassment has more to do with Gary's fear of his wife's lustful eye, which inevitably falls upon me as I skillfully achieve victory and humiliate her husband time and time again. And sure, over the last six weeks, I've inadvertently wracked up a couple hundo dollars worth of damage to their house, but that's just the risk they accepted when they offered to host game night. Besides, I'm happy to take accountability for accidentally shattering their glass coffee table just like the time I took accountability for playfully throwing a Catan card with enough force that it stuck in Doug's forehead and produced a geyser of blood when removed. On both occasions, I was wrong. But before you judge me, I challenge you to first play the word "proximity" in a heated Scrabble game, with the “M” falling on a double letter and the “Y” falling on a triple word, skyrocketing you into a distant first place with a whopping 78 points. If you're somehow able to replicate my achievement, I further challenge you to resist the urge to do a little dance that causes you to lose your balance and fall on top of the glass coffee table, ending game night early (which, as the player with the highest score at the time, means you'd win). You shouldn't kick someone out of game night just because their incessant taunts of "pube breath" got in your head and hindered your chances to kill the Monopoly man. You also shouldn't kick someone out just for insisting that we play Monopoly with a twist that involves accruing enough wealth to enter Mr. Monopoly's social circle, earn his trust, and kill him so that you can wear his monocle. For a group of so-called progressives, you seem awfully disinclined towards diversity. Diversity of ideas, that is. NOTE: Shortly after writing this piece, the author died of a cerebral embolism brought on by a particularly vicious bout of trash-talking during a game of solitaire. |
| Well, Gang, We Completely Failed to Save the Rec Center Posted: 24 Jan 2022 05:00 AM PST Well, it's been quite the ride, gang. For years we've been meeting up after school here at the Youth Center—the only place that a couple of misfit kids like us can just hang out and be ourselves. When we heard the Youth Center was going to be bulldozed to make space for a bunch of luxury condos, we refused to give up. Our big "Save The Youth Center" Benefit Concert was our hail mary—an unforgettable night of music at the Youth Center that would raise enough money to buy back the building from the heartless developers. The wily spirit of youth vs. capitalistic grown-up greed. I am sad to report that we fell completely short of the 20 million dollars that we needed to save the Youth Center. Just not even close at all. I really believed that a gang of scrappy, oddball teenage underdogs like us could pull this off against all odds, but our concert wasn't very good and everyone hated it. We decided to book ourselves as the headlining act even though we've never played music before. We didn't rehearse very much and we're bad at our instruments. I guess Joshy is pretty good on bass but we didn't give him much to "do" in any of our songs. I am only just now realizing that "Come watch an adolescent rock band that was formed three days ago play live for the first time in a very small recreation center" is a hard sell. Not a lot of people came and we only charged $2.00 for tickets. In hindsight, we would've had to sell 10 million tickets in order to save the Youth Center. I think our "No adults allowed" policy was a bad idea, as was our "No posers" policy, "No jocks" policy, etc. We probably should have welcomed everyone in with open arms since we needed 10 million people to come. That is the population of the entire state plus a bunch more. I know we are only children but I still think we could've done a better job planning this. We actually lost quite a bit of money on the benefit. The various games and attractions we put up for the benefit were very expensive, like the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet, the rented arcade machines, and the skate ramp. In addition to failing to save the Youth Center we personally owe several thousands of dollars to various local vendors. We are completely in the red here. Also, it seems like we all had our own personal "coming-of-age" stuff going on in the background that sort of crescendoed at the benefit—we all got up on stage at different points throughout the event and gave impassioned speeches to our crushes, our bullies, our dads, etc. This was a solid two-thirds of the benefit. People hated this. We started a small electrical fire in the Youth Center while trying to set up the sound system. Ray, the owner of the Youth Center, has been charged with criminal negligence for letting us do this and is currently in jail awaiting trial. There's been talk of doing a "Free Ray" Benefit Concert, but given the outcome of this benefit concert, I can foresee a scenario in which our "Free Ray" benefit concert results in Ray being sentenced to death. Side note: I just noticed that the fliers we made to promote the benefit say "Cave the Youth Center" and not "Save the Youth Center." People might have thought this was a benefit to tear down the Youth Center sooner, which, ultimately, I guess it was. Also, our complete failure to pose any sort of challenge to the developers in any way whatsoever has inspired them to also tear down that other Youth Center we sometimes hang out at. We had plenty working against us from the very beginning (we accidentally booked our benefit on the same night Bruce Springsteen headlined that world hunger benefit down the street), and I'm proud of us for fighting despite it all. Although the Youth Center is being taken away from us, they can never take away the memories we created here tonight—those will haunt us forever. We'll find a new home base. I guess we could just sort of hang out in the parking lot of the luxury condo complex? Anyway, we'll have to regroup and figure that out later—I hear the bulldozers starting up. |
| ‘Twas the Night before Christmas, Uh, Four Weeks Ago Posted: 23 Jan 2022 08:00 AM PST 'Tis several weeks beyond Christmas when you realize Could have happened to anyone (possibly malaise was a cause) With the alibi set, still need to drive it all home An Antonio Brown jersey—"From me, Granny, to you" For your sis, pale as snow, but an avid trip planner Sour eggnog! Sour gravy! Sour dips you put chips in! |
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