| Forward this to a friend Subscribe to more newsletters |  | | [Paramount Pictures] | | Is this crop top appropriate for a funeral? | Recently, I got dressed to ... wait for it ... leave the house and meet someone. It was a casual, professional thing, nothing to dress up for. But, clothes! I have so many, and yet, I wear the same three stretchy outfits every week working from home.
I changed three times, settling on jeans and a sparkly, shiny, silver tank top thing with a tie waist. I thought it was festive yet laid back.
"You're wearing your 'going out' top," my husband said. If you lived through the early 2000s, you know exactly what this is. It's a Paris Hilton-adjacent spangled shirt one pairs with jeans for a night on the town, possibly satin, maybe beaded, perchance halter.
I realized it was the middle of the afternoon, probably a little early for glitter. I had no time to change. I had to accept that, while I was once a stylish person, I had forgotten how to dress.
After I posted my sparkle look on Instagram stories, folks replied that they no longer present well in society, either. One tried to wear sequins to an early dinner, and her partner stopped her. "I feel lucky to have a check on my drama as I leave the house," she said.
It's a combination of things, I think. There's the lack of socializing. Folks stopped going to offices. A lot of frontline workers wear uniforms. We are out of practice.
But also ... didn't styles change, like, a lot? Am I imagining it? Surely fashion is always evolving, but the millennial/Gen Z divide with jeans and side parts and the word "cheugy" really came down hard this year. As a reminder, I wrote about this stuff and how we should liberate ourselves from caring.
Still true! But it does not make me less disoriented.
For help, I have formulated a list of questions one should ask oneself after getting dressed, but before leaving the house:
1. What time is it? Is it noon? 5 p.m.? 2 a.m.? Have I slipped through an interdimensional portal where time ceases to be?
2. What type of event am I attending? Client meeting? Date? Tarts and vicars party? Family reunion? Building homes? Learning to windsurf? Receiving an Academy Award?
3. Will I be sweating, and how much?
4. Is there potential to run into anyone I haven't seen in 12 to 15 years?
5. Do I like this outfit, or am I wearing it because I feel bad for it? Am I projecting emotional hang-ups on inanimate objects again?
6. Is this clothing going to distract me all night, in the manner of a shoe that makes a little gas-passing noise every time I step?
7. Can I move freely, or will I stand in the corner smiling with top and bottom teeth like Chandler Bing?
8. Did I forget that this shirt has a mustard stain?
9. Does this belong to me, or did I borrow this from the friend I am visiting? Will she remember, or is she just as lost?
10. Am I still cool? Follow up: Do I care? | | |  | | [DOUGLAS R. CLIFFORD | Times] | | This is a portrait of me | It was a one-column week, as I was out of town a bit. We went to Sarasota for my husband's birthday (see last week's newsletter regarding Gemini Season).
Well, we tried to go to Sarasota. Stop if this sounds familiar: You book a vacation rental online. You hear nothing from the owner. It's the day before you are to arrive, and you have no entry code or instructions. You contact him.
Surprise! It's the first he's heard of you, because the third-party software double-booked the house. If you had just shown up, there would have been an entirely different group chilling, and they would not let you in.
The rental owner scrambled to put us in another property, and we ended up a little south in Venice. It was a sweet town, even though every plan we made seemed to go sideways. I'll spare you, but I did come away with one travel tip.
If you are passing through Venice, scream, "HONEY, STOP THE CAR," even if you are alone, and go to Croissant and Co. We patronized this incredible French bakery multiple times, trying flaky confections with fruit and pastry cream, macarons and more. In related news, I have turned into a croissant, and my byline will be Croissant Hayes going forward.
Upon return, I wrote a graduation speech even though no one asked me to write a graduation speech. You've got to manifest your own destiny! I simply cannot wait for my honorary doctorate from University of Phoenix.
I posit that this year's seniors have a leg up on the competition, because they finished high school during a pandemic. They understand how the world works, from bad roommates to unrelenting disappointment. These teens will know how to react when someone cancels their vacation rental at the last second. They will simply grab six more croissants and move along.
Share this with a teen who needs the proverbial gentle shoulder punch.
Read it: To the class of 2021: Why the pandemic gave you an edge
Love,
Croissant | | |  | | [CNN] | | And another thing! | Do you like CNN host Jake Tapper? Do you like mystery novels involving the Rat Pack and the Church of Scientology? Do you like live Zoom events where you can submit questions without being on camera, because you have forgotten how to dress and you're sitting home in a sequined going out top?
Then you'll LOVE this event! Join us Wednesday evening for a conversation with Tapper, who will discuss The Devil May Dance and more. I'll be hype man to book editor Colette Bancroft, and take audience questions. Admission is $50 and gets you a copy of the book shipped to your home. It's a fundraiser for the Tampa Bay Times Festival of Reading, which is really such a special community event.
Register here and support a local bookstore in the process! See you there. I will be the croissant.
Contact Stephanie Hayes at shayes@tampabay.com. Follow @stephhayes on Twitter, @stephhayeswrites on Facebook and @stephrhayes on Instagram. | | Did someone forward this newsletter to you? You can sign up to get Stephinitely in your own inbox next time. Subscribe for free here. | | | | |
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