The Onion |
- Common Mistakes Everyone Makes During Job Interviews
- Amazon Buys MGM For $8.45B
- Man Finds Unidentifiable Beige Thing He Froze 6 Months Ago
- Minneapolis Honors Police Brutality Victims By Dedicating Armored Vehicles To George Floyd
- Sick Da Grease Of Preparation
- Coronavirus Variant Excited To Compete With World’s Top Mutations In Tokyo This Summer
- Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice
- 5 Things To Know About ‘Cruella’
- A New Look: The Dry Cleaner Lost Samus’s Suit So Now She’s Wearing Mesh Shorts And A Big Dogs XXL T-Shirt
- Ignorant Fool Asks If Girlfriend Really Needs Another Decorative Teapot
- 11-Year-Old Used ‘SVU’ Tip To Mark Attacker
- Tired Man Can’t Deal With Chipper Frosted Mini Wheats Box So Early In The Morning
- Fan Stays Until The End Of Marlins Game To Miss The Traffic
| Common Mistakes Everyone Makes During Job Interviews Posted: 27 May 2021 01:00 PM PDT |
| Posted: 27 May 2021 11:29 AM PDT  Amazon has announced it will buy MGM Studios and its library of over 4,000 films for $8.45 billion in a move aimed at bolstering its offerings against streaming competitors. What do you think?  |
| Man Finds Unidentifiable Beige Thing He Froze 6 Months Ago Posted: 27 May 2021 11:26 AM PDT  VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like, six months ago. "I think it might be some kind of gravy or something," said Freeman, who speculated that the color and…  |
| Minneapolis Honors Police Brutality Victims By Dedicating Armored Vehicles To George Floyd Posted: 27 May 2021 11:03 AM PDT  MINNEAPOLIS—Following a year of upheaval that saw the country undergo a massive reckoning regarding state-sponsored violence, Minneapolis honored victims of police brutality Thursday by dedicating a fleet of armored vehicles to George Floyd. "These state-of-the-art military-style trucks equipped with power turrets and…  |
| Posted: 27 May 2021 08:52 AM PDT |
| Coronavirus Variant Excited To Compete With World’s Top Mutations In Tokyo This Summer Posted: 27 May 2021 08:15 AM PDT  LONDON—Having prepared for months to make its mark at this year's Olympics, coronavirus variant B.1.525—a U.K. native best known for its skillful weakening of antibody responses—confirmed Thursday that it was excited to compete in Tokyo against top mutations from across the globe. "I can't wait to travel to Japan this…  |
| Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice Posted: 27 May 2021 08:10 AM PDT  MONTREAL—Getting jarred back to reality by the screams of the crowd as the puck slid past his skates, Canadiens goaltender Carey Price let in an easy goal against the Maple Leafs Thursday while contemplating the chemical properties of ice. "It goes from a liquid to a solid to a vapor just like that," said Price, who…  |
| 5 Things To Know About ‘Cruella’ Posted: 27 May 2021 08:07 AM PDT |
| Posted: 27 May 2021 06:20 AM PDT  Get ready, Metroid fans, because everyone's favorite bounty hunter Samus Aran has an all new look! That's right, it looks like the dry cleaner lost her iconic Power Suit, so now she's wearing mesh shorts and an XXL Big Dogs T-shirt.  |
| Ignorant Fool Asks If Girlfriend Really Needs Another Decorative Teapot Posted: 27 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  OKLAHOMA CITY—In an astonishing display of callousness and naivety, local ignorant fool Brandon Thurber reportedly asked his girlfriend Thursday if she really needed another decorative teapot. "It's pretty, but don't you already have a couple of teapots like this?" said the numbskull, who furrowed his brow in…  |
| 11-Year-Old Used ‘SVU’ Tip To Mark Attacker Posted: 27 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  An 11-year-old credited watching episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for her quick thinking when she marked a knife-wielding man attempting to kidnap her with blue-dyed slime as a way for authorities to identify him. What do you think?  |
| Tired Man Can’t Deal With Chipper Frosted Mini Wheats Box So Early In The Morning Posted: 27 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  SEATTLE—Grumbling about having to engage in such a lively interaction at this hour, local man Chris Wilson was reportedly too tired to deal with his chipper, overly energetic Frosted Mini Wheats box so early in the morning. "Christ, I just woke up, and already this loud orange box is screaming at me about how it's…  |
| Fan Stays Until The End Of Marlins Game To Miss The Traffic Posted: 27 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  MIAMI—Lamenting how congested the roads would be if he left the stadium now, Marlins fan Ed Padilla admitted Thursday that he was only staying until the end of the game to avoid traffic. "Getting out of this place can be an absolute nightmare, but if you can last until the sixth or seventh inning, you're usually in…  |
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