The Onion |
- ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There
- NRA Denied Bankruptcy Claim
- One Too Many Squats Causes Tightening Ass To Collapse Into Singularity
- Heads Up ‘Metroid’ Fans: Oh Man, We Forgot We Signed An NDA, Nevermind
- 8th Cat Acquired In Hopes Of Easing Tension Between First 7 Cats
- Israel Returns Occupied Territories To Palestinians After Running Out Of Targets To Hit In Gaza
- Failed Professional Sports Leagues
- Tourist Left Dangling After Winds Break Glass Bridge
- ‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole
- Rich Guy Asks Around To Find Out Who The New Jeffrey Epstein Is
| ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There Posted: 17 May 2021 01:20 PM PDT  In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to reckon with its own responsibility as the world's foremost news media titan…  |
| Posted: 17 May 2021 12:57 PM PDT  A federal judge has blocked the National Rifle Association from filing for bankruptcy protection, ruling that it was a bad-faith attempt to fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general for financial abuses. What do you think?  |
| One Too Many Squats Causes Tightening Ass To Collapse Into Singularity Posted: 17 May 2021 10:26 AM PDT |
| Heads Up ‘Metroid’ Fans: Oh Man, We Forgot We Signed An NDA, Nevermind Posted: 17 May 2021 10:20 AM PDT  Ever since the release of Metroid: Samus Returns in 2017, series diehards have been rabidly awaiting any hint about the next installment in this iconic franchise. Well, Nintendo fans, you're going to want to buckle up because—ah shit. Gamers, we're just remembering we signed an NDA. Let us check the fine print real…  |
| 8th Cat Acquired In Hopes Of Easing Tension Between First 7 Cats Posted: 17 May 2021 10:20 AM PDT  MARINA DEL REY, CA—Aiming to reduce the ongoing household conflict, local woman Alice Jordan reportedly acquired an eighth cat Monday in the hopes of easing tensions between the first seven. "Things have been pretty difficult around here, especially since Cupcake and Egg formed their own bloc to fight against the…  |
| Israel Returns Occupied Territories To Palestinians After Running Out Of Targets To Hit In Gaza Posted: 17 May 2021 10:20 AM PDT  JERUSALEM—Unveiling a new policy to relinquish control of thousands of settlements, Israeli government officials reportedly returned the occupied territories to Palestinians Monday after running out of targets to hit in Gaza. "Effective immediately, we are returning land in the West Bank, Golan Heights, and east…  |
| Failed Professional Sports Leagues Posted: 17 May 2021 08:05 AM PDT  Heralded as a rougher brand of football, fans quickly lost interest when they realized the brain damage inflicted on players wasn't any more intense than that done in the NFL.  |
| Tourist Left Dangling After Winds Break Glass Bridge Posted: 17 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  A tourist was temporarily stuck clinging to a 330-foot-high glass suspension bridge in Northeast China when gale-force winds swept away several panels, raising public concern over the safety of other glass bridges and viewing decks. What do you think?  |
| ‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole Posted: 17 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  NILES, IL—Basking in the majesty of the municipal golf course, local man James Carrol exclaimed, "This is what it's all about, boys" Monday, just an hour before a complete mental breakdown on the sixth hole. "I'm out on the course with my best boys, drinking beers and listening to jams," said Carroll, who would soon…  |
| Rich Guy Asks Around To Find Out Who The New Jeffrey Epstein Is Posted: 17 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. "It's been a while, so I figure by…  |
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