The Onion |
- ‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again
- Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account
- GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post
- No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It
- Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer
- Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’
- DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy
- The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State
- ‘Shrek’ Franchise Turns 20
- Sally Beauty Introduces New Press-On Hangnails
- First Genetically Modified Mosquitoes Released In U.S.
- Historians Confirm Lewis And Clark Set Out On Expedition To Justify Purchase Of Expensive Camping Equipment
- Elaborate Snack Spread Prepared For Viewing Of Child-Trafficking Documentary
| Posted: 13 May 2021 12:45 PM PDT  DETROIT—Dashing any hope he had for the upcoming season, Lions fan Paul Benson told reporters Thursday that Detroit was "so screwed" after seeing they got matched up against other teams again. "Ah, shit, this season is gonna suck," said Benson upon realizing that the Lions would face other NFL teams multiple weeks in…  |
| Kevin Durant Spends All Day Feuding With Own Burner Account Posted: 13 May 2021 11:55 AM PDT  BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with his own burner account on social media. "At first, KD just wanted to tell his burner why he left the Warriors, but things got pretty ugly," said Nets beat…  |
| GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post Posted: 13 May 2021 11:04 AM PDT House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims about the presidential election being stolen. What do you think?  |
| No One At Laser Tag Prepared For How Hard Dad Was Going To Bring It Posted: 13 May 2021 10:25 AM PDT  FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson's laser tag birthday party confirmed Thursday that they were not prepared for how hard his dad, Larry, was going to bring it. "I figured he was just going out to…  |
| Man Unaware Israel-Palestine Opinion Retained Verbatim From 1997 Beauty Pageant Contestant’s Answer Posted: 13 May 2021 10:20 AM PDT  SACRAMENTO, CA—Engaged in a heated discussion with friends Thursday, local man Evan Staub was reportedly unaware that the long-held opinion he was voicing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict had been retained verbatim from a 1997 Miss America contestant's answer to a pageant interview question. "Sadly, there's been…  |
| Dr. Fauci: ‘There’s No Longer A Need For Statues To Wear Masks Outside’ Posted: 13 May 2021 10:11 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Clarifying newly relaxed CDC guidelines, White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters Thursday that there was no longer a need for statues to wear masks outside. "The science has shown that the virus does not spread easily outdoors, so if you are a concrete statue standing at the center of a…  |
| DSM-5 Finally Stops Classifying Adult Disney Fandom As Form Of Psychopathy Posted: 13 May 2021 08:30 AM PDT  ARLINGTON, VA—In a long-overdue move to help modernize clinical practices, the American Psychological Association announced Thursday plans to update their Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to stop classifying adult Disney fandom as a form of psychopathy. "For decades, theses…  |
| The Most Infamous Crimes In Every State Posted: 13 May 2021 07:25 AM PDT  The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.  |
| Posted: 13 May 2021 06:34 AM PDT |
| Sally Beauty Introduces New Press-On Hangnails Posted: 13 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  DENTON, TX—Unveiling a first-of-its-kind product that will soon be available at its more than 5,000 international locations, cosmetic retailer and distributor Sally Beauty announced Thursday it had launched a new line of press-on hangnails. "Real hangnails can take days or even weeks to form, but now you don't have to…  |
| First Genetically Modified Mosquitoes Released In U.S. Posted: 13 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  Genetically modified mosquitoes have been released for the first time in the U.S. as part of a pilot program in the Florida Keys to reduce the spread of deadly diseases like dengue, yellow fever, and Zika virus. What do you think?  |
| Posted: 13 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  PRINCETON, NJ—Dispelling long-held notions that the trip was conducted to map newly acquired U.S. territory in the West, Princeton University historians confirmed Thursday that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark set out on their legendary expedition mainly to justify the purchase of a lot of expensive camping…  |
| Elaborate Snack Spread Prepared For Viewing Of Child-Trafficking Documentary Posted: 13 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT |
| You are subscribed to email updates from The Onion. To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google, 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States | |
No comments:
Post a Comment