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- Ellen Announces To Bound-And-Gagged Staff That She Ending Them
- Long-Time Employee Will Always Be Remembered For Sticking Around Too Long
- 5 Things To Know About The Colonial Pipeline Cyberattack
- Driver Worried About Potential Gas Shortage Makes Sure To Fill Up All The Way
- Palestinian Family Who Lost Home In Airstrike Takes Comfort In Knowing This All Very Complicated
- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes In Protest
- What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce
- Parents Can’t Believe How Bad Daughter Is At Being Raised By Them
- Woman Gives Birth To 9 Babies
- Family Photo With Ex-Boyfriend Still Prominently Displayed On Grandma’s Mantle
- Nation Wondering When Steve Jobs Coming Back
- New Program Encourages Americans To Get Vaccine To Prevent It From Going To Foreigners
| Ellen Announces To Bound-And-Gagged Staff That She Ending Them Posted: 12 May 2021 12:50 PM PDT  LOS ANGELES—Noting that it had been a difficult but ultimately rewarding decision, Ellen DeGeneres announced to her bound-and-gagged staff Wednesday that she had officially made plans to end them. "These past two decades have been so satisfying, but now it's finally time to move on from your mortal bodies," said…  |
| Long-Time Employee Will Always Be Remembered For Sticking Around Too Long Posted: 12 May 2021 12:00 PM PDT  CHICAGO—Fondly reminiscing on the decades he'd spent wasting away at the same thankless job, employees at Venture Manufacturing told reporters Wednesday that their departing longtime coworker Dale Tabak would always be remembered for sticking around far too long. "While we're sad to see Dale go, we'll never forget how…  |
| 5 Things To Know About The Colonial Pipeline Cyberattack Posted: 12 May 2021 11:54 AM PDT |
| Driver Worried About Potential Gas Shortage Makes Sure To Fill Up All The Way Posted: 12 May 2021 11:07 AM PDT |
| Palestinian Family Who Lost Home In Airstrike Takes Comfort In Knowing This All Very Complicated Posted: 12 May 2021 10:45 AM PDT  GAZA, PALESTINE—Attempting to find some solace in an otherwise trying situation, the Al-Natshehs, a Palestinian family who lost their home in an airstrike, took comfort Wednesday in knowing that this was all very complicated. "You know, having your longtime family home demolished by an Israeli missile is a tough pill…  |
| Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes In Protest Posted: 12 May 2021 10:44 AM PDT  Tom Cruise has returned his three Golden Globe awards for Jerry Maguire, Magnolia, and Born On The Fourth Of July, in protest of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's lack of diversity and questionable ethics. What do you think?  |
| What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce Posted: 12 May 2021 10:20 AM PDT  Billionaire Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, announced they are filing for divorce, a move that has widespread effects on everything from the stock market to U.S. philanthropy. The Onion answers the most important questions about Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce.  |
| Parents Can’t Believe How Bad Daughter Is At Being Raised By Them Posted: 12 May 2021 09:00 AM PDT  CALDWELL, ID—Frustrated by her complete lack of initiative in developing their relationship, the parents of local teenager Sophia Miller, 14, expressed bewilderment Wednesday at how bad their daughter was at being raised by them. "It's frustrating, we care, but she just isn't putting any effort into being loved by us…  |
| Posted: 12 May 2021 05:01 AM PDT  A 25-year-old Malian woman has given birth to nine babies in Morocco after only expecting seven, in what could set a new world record. What do you think?  |
| Family Photo With Ex-Boyfriend Still Prominently Displayed On Grandma’s Mantle Posted: 12 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT |
| Nation Wondering When Steve Jobs Coming Back Posted: 12 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Admitting they had grown to really miss the tech entrepreneur over the past decade, the nation wondered Wednesday when Apple co-founder Steve Jobs was coming back. "Basically, we're just curious about when Steve Jobs might make a reappearance," said Evan Fiennes, 43, one of nearly 330 million Americans who…  |
| New Program Encourages Americans To Get Vaccine To Prevent It From Going To Foreigners Posted: 12 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address persistent hesitancy about being inoculated, the White House announced a new campaign Wednesday encouraging Americans to get a vaccine to prevent it from going to foreigners. "What we're hoping Americans understand is that every shot they receive for the coronavirus not only…  |
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