| Forward this to a friend Subscribe to more newsletters |  | | [20th Century Fox] | | Many happy returns of the $eason | It's Gemini Season in my house! My birthday is in a couple weeks. My husband's birthday was over the weekend. My stepdaughter's birthday is right after mine. My dad is also a Gemini. Honestly, if you've never lived in a household with all Geminis, DO NOT START NOW. I repeat, DO NOT. Diversify your star signs, unless you want everyone to go hot and cold at the exact same times!
We are partying all month, but I can't let this time go by without paying tribute to one of my favorite birthday traditions: emails! The endless flood of celebratory "cards" and "well wishes" from faceless corporations pretending like they know me in hopes of extracting my last dollar. Well, newsflash! I have no more money because I spent it all on $#@^&*% Gemini Season!
To wit:
Dear Stephayesemail,
Happy Birthday, Steph! Enjoy a free birthday scoop on us. Calories don't count on your birthday, but we hope we contributed to your body image issues anyway!
Dear Valued Cavity Crusader,
On behalf of our entire team, Harris Family Dentistry would like to wish you a mouthful of dreams this birthday. Ask us about full veneers in HOLLYWOOD MODEL 4X.
Dear Valued SpinClub Star
On behalf of our entire team, we want you to have the cake today because our scientifically designed workouts are engineered to make your body digest 24 percent of itself*** for maximum weight loss and vibrancy (***mostly water). #beastmode #birthdaymode #livespinfully
Dear Stephanie,
When you donated blood with us, you signed up for email and text alerts. We're happy to know it's your birthday and that we have your blood.
Dear Valued Banking Customer,
Make sure you don't spend another birthday with high interest rates. Our 0.0 percent finance offer expires at midnight, along with your dreams of one day writing for television.
Dear BFF STEFF,
We heard it's your birthday. Here's a little gift from us. To get it, all you have to do is subscribe to our monthly delivery kit containing over $1,000 in serum sample packets made from the oils of orphan minks (gluten free!) that will not stop the slow march of time, for the low price of $67.99 plus shipping and membership. It's a value you have to tell your girlfriends about.
Dear Fashionista,
You've never been more confident than right now at age (fill in recipient age)! Staring at the back half of your life and wrestling with that subtle feeling that you're too late! Too late for what? That's the trouble! You're not sure! Get the hottest BOHO trends for summer concert season at 30 percent off.
Dear Birthday Traveler,
We care about you on your birthday, and know that if you decide to go ahead and have kids at an advanced maternal age, you might not get to travel again for a while. Get one-way, six-stop fares as low as $12 when you ride in the luggage compartment. Carry-on not included, COVID rules apply, non-refundable!
Dear emailacct 1000923,
Please birthday deposit $425,994 in account number as issued below and wishing you very birthday returns my friend. | | |  | | [Paramount] | | All movies are too long, and I am not wrong! | I hope everyone is having a Memorial Day full of reflection. If you have the day off, maybe you're opening this email the day after. Hello!
I'm about a month into full vaccination and it has been a pleasure to slowly work back into life. In related news, I am anticipating a spate of colds. Have you had a cold yet? That's happening, right?
Last week, I wrote about two, real-life experiences. I could hardly contain myself.
I rode the driverless shuttle in Dunedin, en route to watch baseball. I did not worry about crashing and dying, mostly because I am not a huge worrier about stuff like that. Is that bad? I am pretty trusting (please see the newsletter from earlier this year regarding a Craigslist scam).
The AVA driverless shuttle is in town for a few months, just as it was in Tampa and St. Pete. It was cute, candy-colored and it worked, stopping just before flattening someone in the street. A bit I left out: The driver said dogs are okay on board, if they're small enough. If you have a BIG BOYE, maybe ask real nice?
It was cool and all, but I'm holding out for Back to the Future hoverboards. I asked my stepdaughter if she'd ever want to ride one of those electric hoverboards we see on the trail, and she replied, "Maybe if it floated, like in the movie." I mean, I can't argue.
Read it: What's it like to ride Dunedin's driverless shuttle? Futuristic and fun.
Monday, I went to the movies. The actual movies! I was invited to a screening of A Quiet Place Part II, which is out now in theaters. It goes to Paramount+ in a month or so. I wrote about the experience of being back in a movie theater after so long, using — gasp — the dreaded SECOND PERSON. If anyone knows John Krasinski, can you get this column to him? Thx.
Here's a bonus hot take: The best part of A Quiet Place Part II was that it was a clean 90 minutes. This is my ideal length for all movies. I do not know who decided movies should be two hours and up, and I categorically refuse to watch that four-hour superhero movie. Movies today are self-indulgent and need editing, and I will not be silenced! Look, a hill! I will die on it!
Read it: Movie theaters have been A Quiet Place. It's good to be back. | | | | And another thing! | In a past life, I was an obituary writer.
Yes, your laugh lady used to be the Matron of Death for the Tampa Bay Times. Starting in 2007, I spent a year and a half writing our Epilogue feature, profiling departed folks five (!) times a week. It still ranks as one of my hardest and most rewarding journalism experiences, and even inspired me to write a lil' novel.
Why bring this up? Kristen Hare, who writes Epilogues for the Times right now, interviewed me about starting the feature all those years ago. Our chat will be in her newsletter, How They Lived, on Tuesday. Sign up for that right here. It's a lovely newsletter, highlighting her stories and some of the most interesting obituaries on the internet every week. If you love scanning the pages, this is the 2021 equivalent. Enjoy!
Contact Stephanie Hayes at shayes@tampabay.com. Follow @stephhayes on Twitter, @stephhayeswrites on Facebook and @stephrhayes on Instagram. | | Did someone forward this newsletter to you? You can sign up to get Stephinitely in your own inbox next time. Subscribe for free here. | | | | |
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