Points in Case |
- I’m a Superhero Who Saved the World Twice, and I Still Can’t Get a Bank Loan
- Quiz: Period Drama or “Period” Drama?
- An Email from HR Re: Office Improvements to Support Employees’ Physical and Mental Health Post-COVID-19
| I’m a Superhero Who Saved the World Twice, and I Still Can’t Get a Bank Loan Posted: 03 May 2021 10:00 AM PDT I'm just a regular guy. Or, at least, I was a regular guy until I was bitten by a radioactive caterpillar and became The Chrysalis All that changed when a (unnamed for legal purposes) billionaire "superhero" with no powers showed up on my doorstep and asked me to join his superhero team and save the world. I was flattered, but I also had two kids to think about. Saving little old ladies in my own neighborhood on the weekends felt pretty tame compared to going up against hordes of aliens from outer space. But [billionaire name redacted] was relentless. He showed up to the house in a flying car. He took my kids to Disneyland (which he bought out for the day so they didn't have to wait in lines). He brought my wife rare flowers that were flown in on their own jet. He bought me a diamond watch (subsequently destroyed by alien goo). He talked to me about duty and responsibility and how saving the world meant keeping my family safe too. I felt I had no choice but to sign on to the superhero team, and we went to space for six months (I lost my job during this time, as I didn't have enough PTO and saving the world from aliens did not count as "voluntary medical leave"). I made a few good friends on the team. They died. And then, on Earth, my wife (along with all the other wives and the one ex-boyfriend/enemy spy) was kidnapped by a supervillain called the Zookeeper and turned into an anteater. My kids, luckily, are safe. But because I (and the still-surviving half of the superhero team) got pulled into a wormhole on my way back home, I missed ten years of their growing up. Luckily, my sister took them in, and they turned out to become pretty cool teenagers who take great care of their anteater mom. Unfortunately, due to our crash landing into their neighborhood on our return, my sister's successful local restaurant was totaled, and her insurance refused to pay anything because of some new loophole that exempts insurance companies from paying for any damages caused by a superhero or superhero vehicle crashing into privately owned property. I wasn't worried though. I had savings in the bank. But when I went to withdraw some money, the bank manager told me all of my savings had been confiscated by the city to pay for damages caused by superheroes. When I told them that I had been in space at the time, they told me that it didn't matter because [redacted billionaire name] had me sign some paperwork before we left, so I was part of some superhero registration program and liable for the damages caused by other superheroes in the group. I asked them about a loan (I've always had good credit), and they told me that my credit score had plummeted due to complete inaction over the ten wormhole years. I tried going back to my old company for a job, but because they were a pre-superhero-damages-loophole insurance company, they'd gone bankrupt and shuttered. As a last resort, I turned to someone who I knew couldn't (and wouldn't) turn me away—the billionaire who dragged me to space in the first place. Surely, [redacted billionaire's name] could loan me some money so my very own sister wouldn't lose her house and see my entire family end up on the street. I mean, he's a billionaire, right? Plus, he was the one who got me into all this mess in the first place. He still hasn't returned any of my calls. Or any of the messages I've sent him through our team messaging app. I've even tried broadcasting his superhero logo against some clouds over the city at night. But no response. Who knows? Maybe he's on vacation. Except, I did happen to see on the news today that his company is expanding into the insurance and banking business.  |
| Quiz: Period Drama or “Period” Drama? Posted: 03 May 2021 07:00 AM PDT
1-16: Period drama and "period" drama  |
| Posted: 03 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT Dear All Staff, It has been more than a year since the coronavirus pandemic caused Apex Co. to close our office doors and institute a new work-from-home policy. Now, with vaccinations on the rise and cases declining across many parts of the country, we are preparing, once again, to return to the workplace environment. We recognize this past year has been difficult for many and even described by some scholars as a "dumpster fire." That is why our firm has taken the initiative to make several improvements throughout our office to ensure we're supporting our employee's physical and mental health as we continue to deal with the fallout of these past 13+ months and an uncertain transitional period. As always, Apex Co. values the voice of every employee. As such, we relied heavily on data from our most recent employee survey to shape these improvements. Sanitation and Hygiene ProductsIn our survey, 99% of employees said they would only be comfortable returning to the office if there were additional hygiene measures in place. We hear you. We will be placing hand sanitizer in multiple locations around the building, providing disposable masks for those who need them, and posting posters that promote best hygiene practices. Social Distancing Measures85% of those surveyed reported they would also like to see some form of social distancing when we return to the office. To accommodate, we will be distancing desks, limiting conference room capacity, and posting clear signage reminding employees to stay at six feet apart in common spaces. Crying Pods70% of employees also reported participating in, during this past year, a daily ritual of "crying my pretty little eyes out." In response, we will be introducing a series of sound-proof crying pods on each floor. These pods are the ideal spot for employees to retreat as they contemplate these recent months of senseless sickness and death, political unrest, and racial injustice—all without disturbing others, spreading germs, or lowering office morale. Primal Scream MufflersIn our survey, we asked the open-ended question, "What would make your return to the office more comfortable?" and four employees responded, "Primal Scream Mufflers." While we had never heard of Primal Scream Mufflers, we decided to look into them and think they sound like a great idea. Much like a mask one would wear to prevent the spread of COVID-19, but made out of corrugated yak fibers, these human sordines will allow employees to vent all of their frustrations over endless police shootings, the insurrection at the Capitol, their Uncle Randy's opinion on vaccines, and how their boss just called them Justine when their name is Jennifer. All through a banshee-like wail that can't be heard on the other end of the Zoom call. Tuesday Nihilist ClubOur survey also revealed that 55% of employees now feel that, after this past year, "life is meaningless and existence is futile." For this reason, we will be introducing Tuesday Nihilist Club. Similar to Monday Run Club and Thursday Book Club, Tuesday Nihilist Club will offer an opportunity for like-minded employees to come together and bond over an interest they share outside of the workplace. Club members will discuss questions such as "Are there no genuine moral truths or values anymore?" "Has 2020 precipitated the collapse of society?" and "If Fred stole my Fruit on the Bottom Blackberry Chobani from the second-floor fridge, but Chobani, blackberries, fridges, and the second floor don't actually exist and are just artificial constructs fabricated by the established social order, should I still report Fred to HR?" Swarm of Robots That Massage Backs and Recite Eleanor Roosevelt QuotesAs part of our survey, we also asked employees to rate, on a scale of 1-5, "After this year of working from your IKEA couch, how fucked up is your back?" And also, "After this year, how many Eleanor Roosevelt quotes do you read just to get through the day?" The average answer to both questions was "5" — "a fuck ton." In response, we will be introducing a swarm of Eleanor "Roose-bots" (the marketing department is still working on an official name) that will massage employee backs while repeating inspirational Eleanor Roosevelt quotes such as, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams," and "Suck it up you ingrate and get back to your timesheets." This swarm will be released each day during lunch, but employees are also encouraged to book private sessions. Quarterly All-Staff Meeting & Pagan Fire RitualThe last part of our survey included a box for additional comments. While we normally don't pay attention to these, in this case, they revealed some interesting insight. For one, multiple employees reported finding solace during this past year in "dancing wildly around open flames," "reconnecting with my Wiccan spirit through the chanting of incantations and the occult," or simply in "burning shit." We also had a few employees request, "Please, I beg of you. I will do anything if you don't ever make me go back to an in-person all-staff meeting." Taken together, we've decided that, to boost employee sentiment of all-staff meetings while also accommodating their new fire-worshiping and hedonic tendencies, we will be combining our quarterly staff meetings with a pagan fire ritual (more details to come). We hope all these improvements will help make the transition back to the office as smooth as possible. Please reach out if you have any questions and we look forward to seeing you soon! HR, Apex Co.  |
. Still, in the few years after that horrific event, I was able to maintain a certain sense of stability in my life. My wife was alive (and human), and I had a steady job at an insurance company. Sure, I spent my nights and weekends stopping some purse snatchers and grabbing cats from trees, but, for the most part, my hero life and my regular life stayed relatively separate.| You are subscribed to email updates from Points in Case. To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
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