Tuesday 18 May 2021

Points in Case

Points in Case

On Today’s Video, I Will Show You How to Mindfully Eat a Cupcake

Posted: 17 May 2021 10:00 AM PDT

Hey there. Welcome to my mindfulness YouTube channel "The Soft Touch." I'm Jamie. If you're new to my channel, welcome; if you're returning, welcome back.

I'm glad you could be here. Today I will walk you through a guided journey and show you how to mindfully eat a cupcake.

Like mindfulness, cupcakes are a journey only meant for one. Plus, they're delicious. So thank yourself for this wonderful opportunity.

If you don't have a cupcake with you, please pause this video and get one before starting. Your experience will be so much greater. If you're stuck, you can always refer to my video "How to Mindfully Purchase a Cupcake." Or just watch me eat this cupcake. Up to you. Just make sure to like and subscribe to join my mindfulness community. Also, don't forget to click the bell to get notified of my new videos. Namaste.

To begin, get into a comfortable position. Find a place where you can enjoy this moment. A place without people, noise, or other cupcakes to distract you.

This video is best enjoyed with headphones, and ideally not in public.

Let's get started.

Start by placing the cupcake in front of you. Then take a deep breath. Breathe in that sweet air: the millions of air particles dancing like little cupcakes into your nose and lungs. They're happy, aren't they? It's like they're telling you to shove your face into the cupcake. But, wait. Take it slow.

Let your thoughts come and go. Do not focus on the past and the three cupcakes you polished off two hours ago. Or the cupcakes you'll eat later today by convincing yourself they will go stale if you don't.

Don't think about your journey to the store, its wide cupcake selection, or your decision to buy a multi-pack, especially since they were on sale.

Be kind to yourself. And let go of the thought that only one cupcake is 583 calories.

Just think about the here and now.

Gently open your eyes and notice the cupcake in all its parts. The frosting. The sprinkles. The body. Damn, it looks sexy.

Maybe yours has a long candle in the center for a horn. Maybe it has rainbow sprinkles for nostrils and eyes. Maybe it's just a boring non-unicorn cupcake. Whatever it is, appreciate it.

Now, gently undress the cupcake. Pinching its sides, pull its paper cup softly open. Assure the cupcake everything is fine. Assure yourself, too. This may feel weird. But it's all part of the process.

Maybe add a few gentle affirmations like, "I will enjoy this cupcake," "I'm taking a moment to eat this cupcake," or "I will show this cupcake no mercy." Just say whatever feels right to you.

Gently lift the cupcake up to your lips and let your jaw drop. Now, sink your teeth into the frosting and notice a few things. The texture. The taste. The drool you're producing.

Don't worry, it's normal.

We're going to start with sprinkle-sized bites. Make sure to enjoy the moment, and make it last longer than your typical 3-second scoffs.

Savor each bite. Feel free to close your eyes in appreciation. And–

FUCK that's good! Shit, there goes half of it. That's fine.

Let us inhale and pump the brakes before we continue.

Now, let us graduate to larger bites. They can start whichever way. I've started by licking the frosting off, or whatever is left, like a cow. Technically, that's a bite, and now I can feel the sugar racing through my veins, releasing endorphins as magical as these unicorn cupcakes dancing over a rainbow.

Wow, wow, WOW! I'm going to–

OKAY. That's most of it gone. But, that's fine. I'm accepting this experience for what it is : a pig fest.

But in these times, you must remember to enjoy whatever is left of the cupcake.

Now, to slow it all down, I'm taking a deep breath before I continue –

OKAY, THE REST IS IN MY MOUTH.

To fully appreciate and extend the experience, I'm going to advise a few extra steps. Steps like shoving its waxy paper cup into your mouth. As I said, this is the way I'm doing it. You can follow your own journey. Just do what's natural. For me, it's chewing it like gum, sucking every atom from this delectable piece of paper. I'm also picking the crumbs with my thumbs and rolling them in a smaller cupcake. Mindfulness can be an amazing thing.

Thanks for stopping by.

If this video helped you, please leave a comment below and share your cupcake eating experience.

Also, feel free to re-watch this video if you bought a multi-pack.

Quiz: Who Said “I Can’t Get Over It”?

Posted: 17 May 2021 07:00 AM PDT

Who said, "I can't get over it"?

(Please circle all correct answers)

  1. A man whose wife just threw him a surprise birthday party
  2. George Washington before someone found him a boat
  3. Any mother or father the day their first child was born
  4. An equestrian jumper with a lame horse
  5. Evel Knievel
  6. A woman whose boyfriend just proposed to her on the football stadium's Jumbotron
  7. A really bad hurdler
  8. Moses without a staff
  9. One of Hannibal's elephants
  10. Matthew Webb, August 12, 1875
  11. Someone with a bad cold
  12. A student with a 3.99 GPA
  13. A tired soldier looking at hills, dales, and dusty trails
  14. Sisyphus
  15. Lewis and Clark, facing the Rocky Mountains in winter
  16. Judy Garland and the rainbow
  17. Edward Smith, Captain of the Titanic
  18. Christopher Columbus before being sponsored by Ferdinand and Isabella
  19. George Donner and the Sierras
  20. My wife when I vacuumed the house without being asked
  21. Icarus
  22. An acrophobic pole vaulter
  23. Jack-Be-Nimble with third-degree burns
  24. Peter Rabbit explaining why he went under Mr. McGregor's garden gate
  25. A very old Clark Kent looking at a tall building
  26. The Little Engine That Couldn't

I Am the Mom in the Mop Commercial, and I Am Ready to Be the Mom in the Vacation Commercial

Posted: 17 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT

I've had fun as the SpokesMom for the EasyMop325. I was barely acting when I said my lines: "EasyMop325: Your floor will thank you." I'm so glad the company survived the lawsuit/rebranding because the mop doesn't rotate a full 360 degrees. And I'm grateful that the director took my note about the floor being too immaculate and added a kid's soccer cleat mark. (My line, "Darn you, Alex! Darn you to heck!" was ad-libbed.)

But as great as this gig has been, it's time to move on. After five years as the mom in the mop commercial, I am ready to be the mom in the vacation commercial. Send me anywhere. Please. I'm your gal.

My resume and dishpan hands showcase my extensive household commercial work. I have swooned & spooned plain yogurt. I have eliminated pet odors—and once, unfortunately, a pet—while spraying air freshener. I have scrubbed shower grout with frustration (before using Grouty) and with satisfaction (after using Grouty). I know all the vitamins in fortified cereals and can list them in the right order, which is crucial because the wrong order can spell a satanic message. I have cleaned hundreds of litter boxes even though I am allergic to cats. (You'd think they would use fake poop. They do not.) And I've done theater, of course.

Pick me. Help me. Free me.

I will change out of my cooking and cleaning clothes—fitted (not tight) khakis and fitted (not tight) scoop-neck sweater in jewel tones—into whatever athleisurewear the location requires. Please note that I can ride a logjam roller coaster and laugh like a good sport as the spray of bacterial amusement park water hits my face and décolletage, now displayed in a fitted (not tight) scoop-neck T-shirt.

While camping is not exactly my thing, I can rock a pair of hiking boots and shorts (not too short) and stand on a mountain peak, hands on hips, behind my "husband" and "three kids." If you're progressive, give me a wife and kids. I can recommend many women in commercials who want to make the leap to Vacation Mom. I will give you their names after I sign the contract.

My racial identity is nonthreatening. My jewelry is nonthreatening. My breasts are nonthreatening. I have served the cooking and cleaning commercial industry well, and I want to be the mom in the vacation commercials before I age out. Viewers should focus on Family Fun Surf Packages, not calculating how old I must've been when I had Alex and whether or not I did fertility.

I know how to dive. I survived a shark attack with my grandmother's advice: bop 'em on the nose. I memorized the Brady Bunch three-episode Hawaiian adventure, and I own a guidebook for undoing various tiki curses. A tarantula on the bed needn't spoil a vacation, especially because I use CARP Method acting: Change Attitude, Role Player! I can reprise the line, "Darn you, Alex! Darn you to heck!" (Note: Maybe he could hit me in the face with a volleyball while I'm sunbathing?) We'll turn it into a bit if he manages to stop crying this time. FYI, Alex the actor is not my actual kid. You do not want to hire my actual kid. Yikes.

Thank you for your consideration. While I wait for your call, I will be praying in a non-denominational way. If it means booking the job, I'll combine mom roles and clean the rented beach house. I can do realism.
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