Monday, 21 August 2023

The Morning Briefing: Biden Is Ignoring Maui, but I Have a Plan to Get Joe There ASAP!

The Morning Briefing: Biden Is Ignoring Maui, but I Have a Plan to Get Joe There ASAP!

Dear Kruiser fans,

The bad news: No, Kruiser is not yet back. The good news: He is day drinking.

Some of you are going to curse me out as being heartless, but what I'm about to say is true, Hawaii lacks the electoral votes to draw *President Biden's interest. Also, Hawaiians are too damn loyal to the Democrats to begin with.

You see, President Dookie-pants was going to visit Maui, but who can resist Lake Tahoe this time of year? Not the Biden family. Not for a paltry four electoral votes, anyway.

I have some ideas as to how Hawaiians can get Joe Biden to visit.

Idea #1: Empower a Rapist

Gropey Joe found time to visit Wisconsin to pay homage to a sexual assaulter named Jacob Blake, who was rightfully ventilated seven times while ignoring police commands so that he could snag a knife.

But Hawaiians need to understand two things: Wisconsin is a swing state, ...