| Me slicing you up with Halloween content one last time for the year. [Times 2020] |
| The one with the murder hornets |
| Happy best day of the year to all who celebrate! Yes, friends, it is Halloween. It is also a Monday, which changes the Halloween vibe ever so slightly since the children have to go to school in the morning and can't stay up until midnight staring over a pile of Twix and Skittles like they're Tony Montana in "Scarface." But I do have a costume, and it is fantastic. I will link up a photo next week, or you can stalk my Instagram or TikTok for early access (the "Mean Girls" costume was just a warm-up). I will not give hints, but I HOPE YOU VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE TO PASS OUT CANDY, WINK. I would love to see your Halloween costume photos. Email me! Bonus points if you send pics of pets in costumes. Let me see your French bulldog dressed up like Dolly Parton, stat! We've been celebrating here for a while with décor and parties. Last week, my stepkid attended her first school dance, which had a lovely Halloween theme. It felt exhilarating to drop her off and see the beautifully awkward middle schoolers waddle around school grounds in bug wings and inflatable dinosaur costumes. This is living, folks. It brought me back to another horror show, which was my sixth grade dance. The theme? *pause for dramatic effect* Christopher Columbus Day. Even though this dance popped off in an era before attitudes began to rightly shift about Columbus, I think we can all agree that Columbus Day is, at very best, a weak theme. I can think of so many better backdrops for a youthful fête. Like... pencils. Or... drying paint. Or... the color mauve. Anyway, that's back there! To celebrate today, I thought I'd round up some of my favorite Halloween writings from the past couple years, from a journey into a haunted restaurant to my annual gripe about that waxy candy people love for some reason. I will position each column as the title of an episode of "Friends." The one where candy corn is bad: "My dog won't even eat candy corn, and he eats his own doo-doo." The one where the original "Halloween" still slaps: "When I wear my 1978 Haddonfield T-shirt into Publix, dudes who look like their collective name is Keith give me a thumbs up. I guess these are my people?" The one with the Death of Compassion: "A dark sheet will work and, let's see… oh, a butter knife. Point the knife at everyone who isn't exactly like you, and instead of asking them questions to better understand, tell them their time is up." The one where the Melting Pot is haunted: "It's hard for even the deepest cynic to walk into the Fourth Street North building without catching vibes. Two conjoined houses form a labyrinth of dark wood, rafters, high ceilings and dramatic lighting." The one with the giant pumpkin: "BOW TO ME, it said. I AM KING CUCURBITA MAXIMA, AND I AM HERE TO MAKE YOU FEEL KIND OF WEIRD INSIDE." (This tale has a 2022 update!) The one where I was a murder hornet: "Let's not forget about the pestilence." The one where Halloween is never really canceled: "Please exit through the gift shop." |
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