The Onion |
- First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S.
- Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation, Pt. 3
- Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person
- Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A.
- New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race
- Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging
- Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them
- Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents
- Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter
| First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S. Posted: 23 May 2022 11:23 AM PDT  U.S. Officials have confirmed the country's first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already been reported in 12 countries. What do you think? |
| Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation, Pt. 3 Posted: 23 May 2022 10:25 AM PDT |
| Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person Posted: 23 May 2022 05:58 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. "Even after all these years of running for office, nothing gets my juices going… |
| Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A. Posted: 23 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  Let's face it, you're not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles. |
| New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race Posted: 23 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company's overwhelmingly white culture presented "a continuing challenge," cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. "Here at Ultraa, we are very serious about our vision of an open and inclusive… |
| Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging Posted: 23 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What do you think? |
| Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them Posted: 23 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of one day losing them. "I think I'm so wrapped up in trying to avoid the pain of loss that I'm not… |
| Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents Posted: 23 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle's residents. "Alright Seattle, pay attention, because I've spent the past few months… |
| Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter Posted: 23 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT  BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. "I know the science is iffy, but I want to make sure I'm doing everything I possibly can," said Dobson, who held a… |
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