Friday, 6 May 2022

Points in Case

Points in Case

Dear Landlord: I Cannot Be Held Responsible for the Coyote-Shaped Hole in the Wall

Posted: 06 May 2022 08:00 AM PDT

Dear Mr. Germington,

I am responding to the notice you slipped under the door of my apartment (3-B) yesterday morning detailing amounts owed for damages and repairs, this following your unannounced visit to my premises the previous afternoon.

As I explained then, the coyote-shaped hole in the wall is not my fault. It was caused by an erratic and impulsive predator (carnivorius twodimensium) that has been persistently entering my apartment thanks to lax building security as well as a seeming ability to punch in alarm codes and turn doorknobs.

In this instance, the coyote was blasted through said wall following a violent explosion of his own devising, a subject I will return to presently. Note that, though it is of significant size and indeed coyote-shaped, it is a clean hole with no otherwise structural damage and should not be difficult to repair, though again I must insist I am not responsible.

Yes, I own a roadrunner (apartmentpeticus imbecilicius), but when I signed the lease, I specifically asked you if I could keep a bird, and you assured me that this would be acceptable as long as it was clean and quiet. Except for the occasional, care-free "beep-beep" and a whooshing sound as it races fleet-footed from room to room, I believe my roadrunner has been an ideal pet.

Perhaps I should be seeking reparations from you, for at no time prior to signing the lease did you lead me to understand that I would be beset by an overly tenacious coyote with an insatiable lust for bird flesh and surprisingly refined engineering skills.

Which leads me to your second item: I have not, as you claim, extended the balcony and transformed it into an entirely new room. Despite the fact that you were somehow able to walk into this "room" during your surprise inspection, I assure you it was merely a drawing of a room placed at the edge of the balcony by the devious coyote, a fact I discovered following your departure when I too attempted to enter the space, only to burst through the canvas. There was a second when I was suspended midair that I must say was thrilling, though the feeling was fleeting as I plummeted three floors to the parking lot below, terrifying Mrs. Bernbaum and her Bichon Frise. Luckily I was not seriously harmed by the fall nor by the impact of the subsequent anvil, the provenance of which remains a mystery.

Returning to the subject of explosions, you unfortunately did not escape unscathed from the apartment after you casually approached my upright piano and began picking out the tune of "Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms," only, upon striking treble C, to be blown to what must be described as "smithereenies." I assure you I had no idea the piano was loaded. I have been playing that song regularly without mishap. Or perhaps I was playing it wrong.

Again, I am sure it is that cunning coyote who is to blame for this destruction of property and injury to your person. But, as you are undoubtedly now aware, the damage is temporary, and your scorched face has returned to its usual shade of puce and piano keys no longer dangle melodiously from your mouth.

I am sorry you stepped in the quick-drying cement by the front door on your way to the hospital. I had no idea it was there. Again: coyote. I was able to recover your shoes and will return them to you at your convenience.

Also: the giant slingshot at the entrance to the bedroom is not mine.

I recognize that the noise of gunshots, explosions, rocket sleds, speeding trains, firecrackers, tornadoes, and jet-propelled pogo sticks is disturbing to the neighbors, but this coyote is relentless and clearly has endless financial resources. Regarding this, I have asked Gus at the front desk not to sign for any more packages addressed to a Mr. Coyote.

Throughout all this mayhem, my roadrunner has miraculously remained placidly unmolested. While I cannot be held responsible for damage caused to the apartment by a deranged predator and his Rube Goldberg-esque contraptions, I am, however, willing to do my part. I will be attempting to capture the coyote myself by installing an Acme brand Varmint-Catch'M 3000.

What could possibly go wrong?

This Mirror Is So Relatable

Posted: 05 May 2022 10:00 AM PDT

Are you watching anything good these days? Personally, I've really been loving this mirror lately—it's so relatable.

The main character in the mirror is a guy who's just like me. He looks like me, he talks like me, he's got my same style, even the same mole on his neck. I see a lot of myself in him. And he's so compelling to watch. He's the sort of guy that's just easy to root for, you know? Even if he's not always perfect, for some reason I find him kind of inherently loveable.

Plus it's got such a relatable plot. The kind of stuff that happens on the mirror is exactly the kind of stuff I deal with every day. There are things like flossing and hair brushing, and I'm like, yes! So true. And then when I'm like, "Yes! So true," the guy on mirror is like, "Yes! So true" too. It's kind of uncanny, actually—just goes to show how authentic the character's psychology is.

All the emotional topics on mirror are totally relevant to my life, too. Right around when I was feeling nervous about my presentation at work, mirror had a whole arc about practicing a speech and building confidence. It was super timely stuff that really hit home for me, and I'm glad that they dared to show life how it really is, for me, personally. Because ultimately, that's what I want: media that portrays someone just like me, having experiences just like mine, reacting in just the same way that I would. Anything less would be alienating, confusing, and frankly boring.

Seriously, I could watch mirror for hours. They've put so much thought into every little detail on there. Like, the drab color of the paint on the bathroom walls is spot-on. It perfectly suits the character—he's just like me, and his bathroom walls look just like mine. And the cracked light switch? Painfully accurate! It's almost like I'm looking at my own bathroom.

It's so meaningful to see myself in what I watch. I look to art to gain a new perspective on my life, and mirror does that in spades. The new perspective it provides is "from the front," and it helps me have all sorts of personal epiphanies, like that there's something in my teeth. So then I took action—I picked it out. (I think it was a chia seed.) How often does what you're watching actually inspire you to change your life for real? Crazy, right?

You don't seem to be into this. You're not the only one—I haven't found anyone else who's interested in my mirror when I tell them about it. But I don't understand. It's so relatable! It's exactly like my life, which I assume is universal. You're telling me when the guy in the mirror cut himself shaving because he made himself laugh by remembering something funny he could've said, you didn't feel that deep in your bones? Then I'm sorry, I guess I don't know what to tell you.

I know, I know. Everyone's talking about watching window, but I truly don't get the appeal. There's all this stuff I don't understand when I look at window. For one, the people on there are all outside. I'm not outside! I can't relate to that at all. And they keep saying how warm it is, but my AC is on so I'm not sure what they're talking about. It's just sort of hard to connect to.

Sometimes if I watch long enough, it gets dark outside and I start to see myself reflected in window a little more. Finally! Where has this character been the whole time? His stuff is way more interesting than all of the other storylines on window, and I care about him so much more. I guess they're trying to do this artsy thing with multiple plot threads, but I wish they'd just give him his own spinoff. It honestly mostly reminds me that I'd rather be watching mirror.

There are so many things to watch these days, it's impossible to keep up with all of the shows people say are good. I've given up trying to watch all the Emmy contenders or every new release Twitter won't shut up about. Instead, I'll be binging my favorite comfort watch, hanging out with the most nuanced and relatable character of all time, wondering if he'll ever stop staring back at me and go do something.

I Think My Boyfriend Is About to Propose or Kill the President

Posted: 05 May 2022 05:00 AM PDT

Lately, my boyfriend Darren has been acting a little strange. Things have been going really well in our relationship, but all of a sudden he seems nervous and on edge. It's almost like he's hiding something from me, and I think I've figured out what it is. He's finally going to propose!

Or, just maybe, he's going to kill the President.

All the signs are there. We've been dating for fourteen beautiful months, and Darren's always said our relationship is "the one perfect thing in this godforsaken hellhole of a country." Our love and commitment to each other have grown stronger and stronger with every day together, every candlelit dinner, and every midnight walk around the perimeter of various government buildings. I'm so excited he's ready to take things to the next level!

Sure, maybe it feels a bit early, but if something's right, why wait? I know Darren feels the same way. He never wants to waste time, which is why he's always saying adorable things like, "I can't wait a second longer to kiss you," or "Somebody needs to do something about this clown, right now." I love his burning, irrepressible passion, whether he's whispering sweet nothings in my ear, or screaming furiously at C-SPAN.

He's so excited, too. He's been crossing off days on a calendar, counting down until July 4th. At first, I wasn't sure why that date was significant to our relationship, and then I realised: it's Independence Day. When he pops the question, there are going to be fireworks!

Oh my god, speaking of popping the question, you'll never believe what I caught him doing yesterday. He's practicing! Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard? I saw him out there in the backyard, rehearsing the exact right way to get down on one knee. And, okay, he was also practicing readying his rifle and taking long-distance headshots at a cardboard cut-out of a man in a suit. But I'm pretty sure that was just so I didn't get suspicious.

He's been rehearsing what he's gonna say, too. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what it was. He was writing something in his notebook, and I didn't want to pry, but I definitely saw something about "things are going to change forever" (because we'll be married!) and "teaching those motherfuckers in charge a lesson" (I assume this was about his parents).

Ugh, I'm getting so excited just thinking about it! I think he's planning an exotic vacation right after, too! I checked his browser history and it looks like he's planning a glamorous romantic getaway to "country without U.S. extradition treaty."

You might be worried I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. What if his big secret isn't a proposal? What if it's something terrible, like he's cheating on me, or he's planning a high-profile political assassination? Well, you don't need to worry about that. Darren would never cheat. A relationship is a promise, and Darren really, really cares about keeping promises. He made that very clear on Inauguration Day.

And if it's the other thing?

Well, I'm just glad he's got a hobby.
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