The Onion |
- U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000%
- Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches
- Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy
- Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses
- Kristen Bell: She’s Just Like You! She’s Going Through Your Trash! She's Obsessed With You! She's Going To Kill You And Replace You!
- Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant
- Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch
- Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs
- Archaeologists Discover More Old Shit That Sucks
- Ginni Thomas And History’s Most Controversial Political Spouses
- History’s Greatest ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ Player Tragically Born Decades Too Late
- Terminal Cancer Wasted On Man Who Was Already Living In The Moment
- ‘This City. These People. All Sheep, And I Am Their Shepherd,’ Says Eric Adams, Looking Out Over New York
- Taylor Swift To Receive Honorary Doctorate From NYU
- Baby Sea Turtle Crawling Towards Ocean Makes Detour To Hit On Sexy Lady
- Pounding The Gavel
- Venice Hotel Guests Issued Water Guns To Shoot Gulls
- Silicon Valley CEO Explains How The Future Of Tech Is Him Being Fabulously Wealthy And Having A Blast
- Academy Condemns Will Smith For Most Violent Incident Since Frances McDormand Gunned Down 43 At 1997 Oscars
- Starving Yemeni Civilians Thank Media For Privacy During Difficult Time
- Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic
| U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000% Posted: 31 Mar 2022 05:00 AM PDT  A Texas-based company that sells "doomsday bunkers" claims that sales have spiked 1,000% for units ranging from $40,000 to a $8.5 million "aristocrat" bunker that fits up to 44 people after Russia invaded Ukraine. What do you think? |
| Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches Posted: 31 Mar 2022 05:00 AM PDT  DELHI, LA—Citing state budget cuts and rejected requests for federal aid, Delhi High School officials told reporters Wednesday that the underfunded school now had no choice but to use out-of-date history books as lunches. "Unfortunately, our students will have to consume obsolete texts that were published as far back… |
| Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy Posted: 31 Mar 2022 05:00 AM PDT  ORLANDO, FL—Stressing that the experience with the costumed mascot was a "total racket," local dad Simon Marshall couldn't believe this week how much Disney World was charging for sex with Goofy. "For a family of five, the amount Disney is asking to plug all Goofy's holes is borderline extortion," said Marshall,… |
| Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses Posted: 31 Mar 2022 05:00 AM PDT  LOS ANGELES—Quickly amassing young followers in the tens of millions, popular new TikTok influencer Eva Belle just posts videos teaching teens how to tie nooses, sources reported Thursday. "So, I'm using bright yellow today, but you can use whatever color you want," said the social media personality in a recently… |
| Posted: 31 Mar 2022 05:00 AM PDT |
| Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant Posted: 30 Mar 2022 01:16 PM PDT  Chinese authorities forced dozens to quarantine overnight in a hotpot restaurant after a Covid-19 case was detected at the location, a measure in accordance with the country's policy for rapid lockdowns and other restrictions whenever clusters emerge. What do you think? |
| Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch Posted: 30 Mar 2022 01:05 PM PDT  MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. "To be honest, I really don't know what we're opposing or supporting… |
| Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs Posted: 30 Mar 2022 12:50 PM PDT |
| Archaeologists Discover More Old Shit That Sucks Posted: 30 Mar 2022 09:33 AM PDT |
| Ginni Thomas And History’s Most Controversial Political Spouses Posted: 30 Mar 2022 08:48 AM PDT  Conservative activist Ginni Thomas has come under fire for text messages to then-President Trump's chief of staff in which she advocates overturning the 2020 election. This has led to questions about whether her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, should recuse himself from election-related cases, or even… |
| History’s Greatest ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ Player Tragically Born Decades Too Late Posted: 30 Mar 2022 06:04 AM PDT  DAYTON, OH—Watching him nail routine after routine on a dingy game mat he had found in a box of his parents' old things, sources confirmed Wednesday that history's greatest Dance Dance Revolution player, 10-year-old Noah Wilson, had tragically been born decades too late. "It's truly a shame to witness such an… |
| Terminal Cancer Wasted On Man Who Was Already Living In The Moment Posted: 30 Mar 2022 06:03 AM PDT  LEXINGTON, KY—Lamenting that he had squandered a perfectly good case of metastatic colon cancer, local man Josh Talbott told reporters Wednesday that a terminal diagnosis had been wasted on his friend who was already living in the moment. "When the doctors told him he had three months to live, it's like, whatever, he… |
| Posted: 30 Mar 2022 06:02 AM PDT  NEW YORK—Clasping his hands behind his back and looking out over Manhattan's iconic skyline, New York mayor Eric Adams was reported to have said, "This city. These people. All sheep, and I am their shepherd," as he launched into a monologue Wednesday. "I and I alone am the line between order and chaos, guiding toward… |
| Taylor Swift To Receive Honorary Doctorate From NYU Posted: 30 Mar 2022 05:00 AM PDT Taylor Swift will receive an honorary doctorate of fine arts from New York University during a commencement ceremony at Yankee Stadium where she will address graduates of 2022 as well as those unable to have a ceremony due to the pandemic in 2021 and 2020. What do you think? |
| Baby Sea Turtle Crawling Towards Ocean Makes Detour To Hit On Sexy Lady Posted: 30 Mar 2022 03:30 AM PDT |
| Posted: 30 Mar 2022 03:00 AM PDT |
| Venice Hotel Guests Issued Water Guns To Shoot Gulls Posted: 29 Mar 2022 01:45 PM PDT Hoteliers in Venice are supplying tourists with water guns to help ward off aggressive seagulls that have become increasingly bold in swooping down to steal food as visitors dine on hotel terraces. What do you think? |
| Posted: 29 Mar 2022 11:14 AM PDT |
| Posted: 29 Mar 2022 11:08 AM PDT  LOS ANGELES—Announcing that they had opened a formal review of the event in question, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scientists condemned Will Smith Tuesday for the most violent incident since Frances McDormand gunned down 43 people. "The Academy in no way condones Mr. Smith's actions, which served as a… |
| Starving Yemeni Civilians Thank Media For Privacy During Difficult Time Posted: 29 Mar 2022 11:02 AM PDT  SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. "When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is to have the news media draw attention to you," said Faraz… |
| Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic Posted: 29 Mar 2022 10:59 AM PDT  The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what they said. |
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