| A tropical event we are prepared to withstand. [Netflix] |
| Who's ready for Hurricane Fyre Festival? |
| The World Meteorological Organization has released names for 2022 Atlantic hurricanes, which means it's time for real people to see if their names are on the list. It's warped to be associated with potentially devastating weather events, but what isn't warped these days? See this year's names right here. According to Time: "The (World Meteorological Organization) keeps six lists of 21 male and female names that are used in rotation, and recycled every six years. (There are no names that start with the letters Q, U, X, Y or Z.) Other lists are in place for storms forming in the Pacific Ocean, the Indian Ocean and across Australasia." That's cool, I guess, but I've got a new idea. What if we named hurricanes after ill-fated pop culture icons? Don't you think this could work, psychologically, on some level? It's like naming a baby "Arson." Life is not going to end well for little Arson, which is what we want for storms. WITH THIS MISSION, I HAVE GATHERED YOU HERE TODAY. A: Aaron Burr. When it comes to tropical weather, pride goeth before the fall, sir! B: Biff Tannen. The Back to the Future bully thinks he will wreak havoc on the Atlantic coast, but he will end up waxing Marty's car. C: Crystal Pepsi. She will not approach our shores, nor our vending machines. D: Deebo from Friday. Storyline aside, Hurricane Deebo has a nice ring to it. E: Enron. Hurricane Enron is defunct! Bankrupt! Liquidated of all assets, including but not limited to storm surge and high-speed winds! F: Fyre Festival, the hurricane that just couldn't pull it together despite an alarming number of celebrity endorsements. G: OK, the actual G name this year is "Gastone," which is pretty close to "Gaston," the thick neck from Beauty in the Beast. This one can stay. H: Harry, as in one half of Harry and Marv, the Wet Bandits from Home Alone, who were gloriously defeated by an 8-year-old child. (See also: M) I: Isaac Chroner. Horror fans will recognize the deranged child preacher from Children of the Corn. If you want to split hairs, he technically doesn't die in the film, but he does eventually die in the sequel. Right? He does, right? J: Jesse Pinkman. May all storms peter out as spectacularly as the Breaking Bad movie!! K: Kenny from South Park, a show I can't believe is still on, and a show I would gladly never watch again, much like a storm. L: Lady Edith Crawley. I guess by the end of Downton Abbey she had married up and became the Marchioness of Hexham, but was she really happy??? I am not sure how this relates to hurricanes, but it does. M: Marv. (See also: H) N: Nutsy, one of the two vultures from Disney's animated Robin Hood. Yes, this is a deep cut, and the prize goes to whomever can name the other vulture! O: Ophelia or Othello, please choose one. P: Pontiac Aztek, the weirdest-looking tropical disturbance. No vibes! R: Reek, who had the most disturbing storyline on Game of Thrones. Wait, maybe the sibling romance was more disturbing. Wait, maybe the... oh, anyway. S: Sam Loomis, the ruddy psychiatrist from the Halloween movies, could never outwit Michael Myers despite his obsession. This storm will keep getting close but ultimately despair at the hands of a William Shatner mask. T: Theranos. No Elizabeth Holmes! No turtlenecks! No warm air rising over water! V: Vicki Gunvalson, because this list needed some Real Housewives representation. W: Watermelon Oreos. Just a fail all around. |
No comments:
Post a Comment