The Onion |
- Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot
- Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours
- Hair, There, and Everywhere
- Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root
- ‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White
- U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner
- Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip
- NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck
- J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature
- Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns
- Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich
- Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud
| Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot Posted: 06 Jan 2022 11:17 AM PST  It's been one year since supporters of then-President Donald Trump breached the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn his 2020 election loss, and pretty much everyone has thoughts about it. The Onion sifts through the many Jan. 6 essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile… |
| Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours Posted: 06 Jan 2022 11:06 AM PST  A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think? |
| Posted: 06 Jan 2022 06:13 AM PST |
| Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root Posted: 06 Jan 2022 06:08 AM PST  WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. "In our observations of the… |
| ‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White Posted: 06 Jan 2022 06:06 AM PST  Betty White died on Dec. 31, 2021, after an entertainment career spanning seven decades. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from her star-studded life. |
| U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner Posted: 06 Jan 2022 06:05 AM PST  WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation's political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. "Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in … |
| Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip Posted: 06 Jan 2022 05:00 AM PST  SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product's tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told reporters Thursday that he couldn't help but be proud of a strong tortilla chip. "I'm not taking it easy on this guy, but he just goes on shouldering this weight no matter how many nacho toppings I pile on,"… |
| NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck Posted: 05 Jan 2022 12:39 PM PST  A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think? |
| J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature Posted: 05 Jan 2022 12:31 PM PST  EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Saying she could only express her heartfelt remorse to any fans who felt misled, author J.K. Rowling apologized Wednesday for not making it clear that the character Ron Weasley was her intended anti-Semitic caricature in the Harry Potter series. "Obviously, I've always portrayed Ron as a lowly… |
| Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns Posted: 05 Jan 2022 11:41 AM PST  DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died in an accidental shooting after discovering his father's gun hidden under a pile of guns. "Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible… |
| Posted: 05 Jan 2022 11:05 AM PST  JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak "Cali Fresh" sandwich. "We know you've done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we… |
| Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud Posted: 05 Jan 2022 11:00 AM PST A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think? |
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