The new M&Ms. LET'S DISCUSS. [Mars] |
Do they scream when I eat them? |
Where were you when you heard the news? Thursday afternoon, as the republic continued its slow burn, the Mars corporation announced that M&M cartoon mascots had received a 2022 makeover to be more inclusive. "We want healthcare!" the people cried. "We want to vote! We want to live in homes!" "Will you accept anthropomorphic candy-coated chocolates with genders and shoes?" the corporation responded. "Yeah, OK!" the people said. A pointless brand kerfuffle works best when everything feels out of control, and brands know it. The Mars executives must be sipping Barolo somewhere, twirling mustaches because we are still talking about M&Ms. Did I close this draft and go to school pickup, stopping along the way to buy M&Ms because I had spent so much time thinking about M&Ms that I finally had to have some? No comment. Fully understanding my complicity, here is a breakdown of the new M&Ms, piece by piece (har har?): Green and Brown: Oh, here goes the media, lumping the FEMALE M&Ms together again. Unfortunately, I have to lump Green and Brown together, because society has lumped them together. They have done the heavy cultural lifting for some time while the boys bro out with Santa and feed him a bowl... of... themselves. Green was a sexist creation of the M&M industrial complex, born to satisfy the male candy gaze. Brown feuded with Green, because dames, right??? Then, Green and Brown became romantically involved. This is all real! The biggest change for the ladies is their shoes. The fact of the matter is, their shoes are no longer fun. Their shoes are what my dad used to call "sensible." Green, who used to wear VERY KICKY DISCO BOOTS, is wearing what appear to be Stan Smiths, or as EJ Dickson from Rolling Stone wrote better, "Larry David sneakers." (Warning, that link is hilarious, but not for the faint of heart.) Brown is wearing what can only be called church heels. I guess, in order to be equal, one must wear hideous shoes. Thanks, I hate it! Also, they are now supposed to be supportive, "together throwing shine and not shade." OK, but are they still an item??? Because, look, I'm not out here promoting chaotic relationships, but maybe their little razzy back-and-forth was what kept things spicy. Maybe they're one of those couples that just stick it to each other. I mean, no one wants to look up one day over a piece of dry chicken and struggle to recall the spark because you have had so much couples therapy that you've niced each other to death, know what I mean? Let Green and Brown flirt, MARS. Red: Total Napoleon complex. A jerk in that Billy Crystal character way where he seems harmless but is actually toxic. He is supposed to be kinder and more generous to the candy crew now, but if dating apps have taught us anything, in two months he will back at a bourbon bar cutting Green off in the middle of her sentence to explain cryptocurrency under filament lightbulbs. Oh, he has shoelaces now, I guess. Yellow: Based on his size and shape, he is a peanut M&M, the best M&M. Personality wise, he is there for Red to beat up, and I'm just realizing that the M&Ms are Steinbeck's George and Lennie. Art is never new. Anyway, he has laces, too? Orange: Instead of quietly struggling with anxiety and scrolling TikTok at 4 a.m. like most of us, Orange will now "embrace his true self, worries and all." Here's the best tweet about that. Apparently, he will do this by pressing his giant Mickey Mouse gloves to the side of his head and screaming into the inestimable crevasse, which, honestly, same. Blue: There's a blue M&M? |
No comments:
Post a Comment