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Wednesday, 5 January 2022

Points in Case

Points in Case

All the Species Darwin Discovered in the Galapagos Islands, and How They Tasted

Posted: 04 Jan 2022 10:00 AM PST

September 17th, 1835

Oh, how fine it feels to set my feet upon solid land once again! After months at sea, the Beagle reached the Galapagos Islands earlier this morning. First stop, San Cristóbal.

September 18th

What wonderful sights can be beheld on these distant shores! Everywhere I turn, the flora bewitches, the fauna bedazzles! We have established a camp on the island in anticipation of several weeks' intense scientific study.

September 19th

I have taken quite a liking to the abundance of tortoises roaming the island. They are most unusual, with great shells that rise triumphantly at the front like a saddle, and long necks which stretch skywards to reach the crunchy cacti growing tall in the island's rich soil. I shall name this new species the Saddle-backed Tortoise.

September 20th

We continue to study these remarkable tortoises. Incidentally, our chef announced tonight that the expedition is running a little low on food. I'm sure he has considered some sort of Plan B.

September 21st

Oh, drat! We have run completely out of food—quite a ghastly error indeed. We are so far from home, I'm really not sure what we might do.

September 22nd

These tortoises taste terrific!

September 23rd

Another busy day spent eating tortoise. I can't believe I'd never tried it before. Their magnificent necks are the best part. As the crew ate together tonight, I got everyone to save the necks for me. I have even placed one by my bedside, should I grow peckish during the night.

September 24th

It would seem that in our frenzy, we exhausted the copious supply of delicious tortoises on San Cristóbal. So again we set sail, just a "hop" to Floreana, the next island along.

September 25th

Land Ho! And behold, more tortoises! It's like I died and woke up in tortoise Heaven. They are simply everywhere.

September 26th

Between mouthfuls, the chef noted today that the tortoises on this second island stand much lower to the ground than their saddle-backed compatriots, likely due to the abundance of vegetation there. A shame in some ways, since there's less of that delightful neck for me. Nevertheless, I shall name this curious new discovery the Dome-shaped Tortoise.

September 27th

How could two islands of near-identical climate, geology, and elevation give rise to two such distinct, yet delicious creatures? Science rocks.

September 28th

We continue to discover fresh ways of consuming tortoise. You'd think one would grow sick of them, but no! Today we even found a new kind of bread on the island; soft and doughy like a roll, yet long and cylindrical like a submarine. I shall name it the Submarine Roll, and it shall act as a vessel for delivering tortoises into my mouth.

September 29th

I could eat nothing but tortoise forever. Look how many I can fit in my mouth!

September 30th

If I even look at another tortoise, I'll be sick. So, once again we set sail! It's about time we did some work, too. Our destination: the glorious, tortoise-free island of Isabela!

October 1st

I had been so preoccupied with the tortoises that I had neglected to survey the full wealth of extraordinary creatures inhabiting these tropical shores! The exotic birds here are multitudinous, and magnificent.

October 2nd

I have taken quite a particular interest in the Finches which flutter about the treetops. They are markedly different from those which we saw back on the mainland.

October 3rd

What great volumes of work one can accomplish when one is not preoccupied by the delicious tortoise! In total, we have counted 13 distinct species of Finch on the island, all previously unknown to us.

October 4th

Curiously, it would seem the individual species of Finch can be identified from the shape of the beak—the various shapes can be arranged to form a perfect gradation. Raised in geographical isolation from one another, each species has developed a set of distinctive features. Fascinating!

October 10th

We remain enthralled by the many varieties of Finch on these islands. How might they best be catalogued and compared? I've asked the chef to prepare a tasting menu for tonight.

October 11th

I've eaten a truly disturbing amount of birds today. We all have. Tomorrow will be a rest day. We shall prepare salads using the island's extraordinary flora.

October 12th

Had forgotten that I hate salad. Luckily, found some extra room in my stomach for more birds. Incidentally, the different textures of Finch also form a perfect gradation, from fine and stringy through to firm and stodgy.

October 13th

Alas, the time has come to hit the seven seas once again. I shall dearly miss this veritable paradise.

October 14th

Got hungry for birds and turned back.

October 15th

Right, this time I mean it. No more birds. Anchors up.

October 16th

I pretended I had left my wallet on the island but really I just wanted to eat more birds. Found a tortoise and ate that too.

October 17th

I'm so full, I can barely remember our reason for visiting these delicious islands in the first place. We hardly got any science done, but who cares—I'll make up some theory on the way home. Onwards we sail, in search of a light dessert!

Coldness and Despair? January Is Here!

Posted: 04 Jan 2022 05:30 AM PST

The signs are everywhere. Naked Christmas trees are napping alongside garbage cans, the supply and demand for egg nog has plummeted, and Hanukkah Hanukkahed. That means the most wonderful time of the year has come to an end only for January to sadly waddle onto the scene, desperately hoping this will be its year. Unfortunately and undoubtedly, Lucy will pull the football away again and January will end up on its backside wondering why people don't enjoy things like black ice and the Golden Globes.

The only way to get through this cold, dark month is to distract yourself. Just like anything else that sucks, making January fly by depends upon how much, or how little, you acknowledge in your mind that it's actually January.

When you're at work, you don't sit around thinking “wow this sucks I'm at work.” No, at work, you do whatever it is you can to distract yourself from looking at a clock and coming to the realization that you have another 3 hours and 45 minutes before you can leave this hell.

As long as you keep an open mind, you can turn anything into a distraction. Have you ever gone through a truly brutal winter? If you have, then you know the debilitating agony of chapped lips. You walk out your front door, bundled up to take on a five-degree wind chill, when your chapped lips face the brunt of a blustery winter morning. As you continue to traverse the frigid winter temperatures, all you can think about is the pain radiating from your lips. Licking your lips to counteract the dryness stopped working weeks ago. Now, it only makes the pain worse.

The only thing left to do is avoid ever moving a single muscle in your face. Because if you do, the dry skin around your lips will crack, and bleeding out becomes a possibility at that point.

So why don't you just go to the store and buy some chapstick to solve this simple issue? It's because the second that chapstick touches your lips you will no longer be distracted from the fact that it's January. That's not what you want. Pain is a distraction. Pain is good.

See how long you can go without using chapstick, and, if you're lucky, you will be in the hospital recovering from skin graft surgery on your lips before you know it!

You might be wondering why undergoing skin graft surgery on your brutally ravaged lips would be considered lucky. Well, for those of you wondering, I hope you enjoy your pina coladas by the pool on MLK Day, because only a warm climate newb would second guess this stroke of luck. Heated room, adjustable hospital bed, Jell-O, and drugs. The ultimate distraction.

When life has you down, sometimes the only thing that will keep you going is something to look forward to in the future. For some, that means a vacation to a tropical island. Unfortunately, that's an expensive coping mechanism.

For the rest of us, we'll have to use more creative avenues to find things in our lives to look forward to this month. While relaxing on the beach with a beer in your hand sounds great, it's up for debate whether or not that can top a large Big Mac Meal. The fries on their own are worth the price of admission. You combine that with the artistry that is the Big Mac and an ice-cold fountain Coca-Cola and you've got yourself your own tropical island sitting shotgun with you in your 2003 Pontiac Vibe.

However, the key to getting maximum utility out of your McDonald's vacation experience is analogous to the chapstick situation. As you might hold off on using chapstick for the benefits of a hospitalization, holding off your trip to McDonald's allows you to look forward to it for weeks.

Imagine you're walking out of your office. It's 5:03 PM and it's pitch black as you put your keys into the lock of the Pontiac's driver-side door, because the remote unlock button stopped working two jobs ago. You sit down and try to turn the car on, but the aging spark plug won't let it happen. Just as you're about to start regretting decisions you've made in your life, you remember you are just 12 days away from your large Big Mac Meal. You regret nothing.

January won't be easy. Even with these new tactics, there's no guarantee you will find them beneficial. In retrospect, eating a Big Mac may severely irritate your chapped lips. Maybe just try out one or the other and see how it works out for you. If all else fails, you could try just sleeping more. That and avoiding your friends and family has the potential to quickly speed up the dog days of January. Avoiding them will also help once they start badgering you about how you're feeling and asking you if you're taking your antidepressants.

You know what, forget everything I said except the more sleeping and avoiding family and friends part. Just give that a try and before you know it, it will be February!
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