The Onion |
- Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website
- Artist Crafting Music Box Hopes It Delights At Least One Child In Post-Apocalypse
- Homeowner Trying To Smoke Out Snakes Accidentally Burns Down House
- Dictionary.Com Names ‘Allyship’ 2021 Word Of The Year
- Man Realizes ‘The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’ Actually Pretty Creepy After Rewatching It As Adult
- Idiotic New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Actually Keep
- New Initiative Decreases Stigma Against Homeless By Making Majority Of People Homeless
- Italian Dentist Presents Fake Arm For Vaccination To Get Pass
- Dollar General Opening New Store For Wealthier Shoppers
- Man Carefully Places Piece Of Paper In Back Pocket To Make Sure It Will Go Through Washing Machine
- Woman Disgusted After Finding Out There Over 2,000 Calories In Recommended Daily Intake
| Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website Posted: 31 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool's ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body's unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. "With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel… |
| Artist Crafting Music Box Hopes It Delights At Least One Child In Post-Apocalypse Posted: 31 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  TEMPE, AZ—Telling reporters that the notion helped inspire him to continue creating, Keith Gein, a local music box artisan, expressed his hope Friday that his latest work would delight at least one child in the post-apocalypse. "I work hard on each of my crafted items, so it's nice to imagine that eventually one of… |
| Homeowner Trying To Smoke Out Snakes Accidentally Burns Down House Posted: 31 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  A Maryland homeowner trying to get rid of a snake infestation accidentally burned their house to the ground, causing about $1 million in damages, with officials stating that the well-being of the snakes was still "undetermined." What do you think? |
| Dictionary.Com Names ‘Allyship’ 2021 Word Of The Year Posted: 31 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  Dictionary.com has named "allyship" as its word of the year for 2021, noting the old noun taking on another definition: "The role of a person who advocates for inclusion of a 'marginalized or politicized group' in solidarity but not as a member." What do you think? |
| Man Realizes ‘The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’ Actually Pretty Creepy After Rewatching It As Adult Posted: 31 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  LEBANON, NH—Saying he was stunned by the film's macabre subject matter, area man Tyler Duchesne told reporters Friday that he had never realized The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is actually pretty creepy until he viewed it for the first time as an adult. "Back when I was a kid, it never occurred to me that the movie's… |
| Idiotic New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Actually Keep Posted: 30 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  With another challenging year finally coming to a close, it's time to turn over a new leaf and attempt—with little success—to improve yourself. Here are several common idiotic New Year's resolutions you'll never actually keep. |
| New Initiative Decreases Stigma Against Homeless By Making Majority Of People Homeless Posted: 30 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  SAN DIEGO—In an effort to decrease the widespread social shaming often associated with being unhoused, a new city initiative unveiled Thursday reportedly aims to decrease stigma against the homeless by making the majority of people homeless. "It's our hope that we'll see more empathy with our homeless population by… |
| Italian Dentist Presents Fake Arm For Vaccination To Get Pass Posted: 30 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST A dentist in Italy faces possible criminal charges after trying to use a fake silicone arm to receive a coronavirus vaccine in order to obtain a "super" health pass required to enter restaurants and venues in Italy. What do you think? |
| Dollar General Opening New Store For Wealthier Shoppers Posted: 30 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST Dollar General will be opening 1,000 locations for its new store called Popshelf, which is aimed at younger, wealthier, suburban customers, selling higher-profit items like home goods and seasonal decor. What do you think? |
| Man Carefully Places Piece Of Paper In Back Pocket To Make Sure It Will Go Through Washing Machine Posted: 30 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  CROFTON, MD—Conscientiously stowing away the important note, local man Gary Chen carefully placed a piece of paper in his back pocket Thursday to make sure it would end up going through the washing machine. "Gotta make sure to keep this in a safe spot," said Chen of the piece of paper containing important information… |
| Woman Disgusted After Finding Out There Over 2,000 Calories In Recommended Daily Intake Posted: 30 Dec 2021 05:00 AM PST  KENNESAW, GA—Shuddering at the thought of what eating that much might do to her body, local woman Jessica Hummel was reportedly disgusted Thursday after finding out there were well over 2,000 calories in her recommended daily intake. "Jesus, I knew it was probably a lot, but I didn't think it would be that bad," said… |
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