politicnewsbusterinsiderpostreview: The Onion

Thursday, 8 July 2021

The Onion

Tokyo Olympics To Prevent Covid Spread By Restricting Events To Short Outdoor Walks
Freak Actually Knows How Big An Acre Is
Rupert Murdoch To Launch Fox Weather Channel
Starstruck Man Can’t Think Of Anything To Say To Cruise Ship Hypnotist In Breakfast Buffet Line
Bummer: Bowser Is Sending Bowser Jr. To Military School After He Got His High School Girlfriend Pregnant
Friends, Family Worried Rock-Bottom Scottie Pippen Will End Up With Own ESPN Morning Show
California Employees Hesitant About Returning To Office Currently On Fire
Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café
Americans Increasingly Worried Coronavirus Could Spread To U.S.
Volcanoes: Don’t Worry, They’re Still Loud!

Tokyo Olympics To Prevent Covid Spread By Restricting Events To Short Outdoor Walks

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 11:05 AM PDT

TOKYO—With the city under a state of emergency as Covid-19 cases surge across Japan, Olympic officials announced Thursday that in the interests of public health, all athletic competition at the Tokyo Games would now be limited to short walks outside. "In order to slow the pandemic's rapid spread through the region,…

Freak Actually Knows How Big An Acre Is

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 10:55 AM PDT

TOWSON, MD—Drawing looks of scorn, terror, and bewilderment, local freak Adam Campbell demonstrated that actually knew how big an acre is, shocked sources confirmed Thursday. "It's 43,560 square feet," said the 31-year-old absolute fucking weirdo, who put friends ill at ease as he answered what was originally posed as…

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 10:30 AM PDT

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is set to debut Fox Weather, a 24-hour streaming channel focused on weather, though how it will address climate change remains unclear. What do you think?

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 09:45 AM PDT

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Trembling as it dawned on him that he would only have one chance and was about to botch it, starstruck man Bill Sampson reportedly couldn't think of anything to say to the cruise ship hypnotist in the breakfast buffet line. "My first thought was to say 'Hey, great job last night, you really took our…

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 08:56 AM PDT

Ever since his first appearance back in Super Mario Sunshine, fans have delighted in the playful, mischievous antics of Bowser Jr. as he teams up with his father to finally defeat Mario once and for all. Well, sadly, that time may be coming to an end because the little scamp we all know has grown up into quite the…

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 08:30 AM PDT

MALIBU, CA—Expressing concern over a recent spate of social media outbursts and drunken interviews, friends and family were reportedly worried Thursday that Scottie Pippen's downward spiral would lead to the former Bulls star hosting an ESPN morning show. "Scottie doesn't look like himself lately, and I'd hate for…

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 08:30 AM PDT

SACRAMENTO, CA—Expressing concerns about the potential consequences for their health, hundreds of employees throughout California told reporters Thursday they were hesitant about returning to in-person work in buildings that were presently on fire. "If I'm being honest, I'm a little nervous about having to go back to…

Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 05:00 AM PDT

The dating app Bumble announced that it would be opening a new café and wine bar in New York City called Bumble Brew, a place for people who match on the app to meet in real life. What do you think?

Posted: 08 Jul 2021 05:00 AM PDT