Friday, 2 July 2021

The Onion

The Onion


NCAA Announces Plans To Let Players Make Money Off Dick Vitale’s Likeness

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 02:20 PM PDT

INDIANAPOLIS—In response to mounting pressure to pay student-athletes, the NCAA announced plans Thursday to allow players to earn money from the name, image, and likeness of veteran basketball commentator Dick Vitale. "While we have long held it would be antithetical to the spirit of college sports to permit these…

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Supreme Court Waits In Line For Hours Before Voting To Uphold Arizona Restrictions

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 11:55 AM PDT

WASHINGTON—Struggling to stay on their feet as they stood outside their assigned polling place, the nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly waited in line for hours Thursday before they were able to cast their votes to uphold voting restrictions enacted by the Arizona legislature. "God, I thought it would be…

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Man Arrested For Stealing 21 Tons Of Pistachios

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 10:00 AM PDT

A California man has been arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of pistachio nuts valued at over $100,000 from an agricultural company, with authorities eventually finding the nuts hidden inside a nearby trailer and already packaged for resale. What do you think?

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109 Details About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ We’re Throwing Out Because You Never Know We Might Be Right

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 09:20 AM PDT

Hot on the heels of the announcement that the next Grand Theft Auto is due out in 2025, it's time to dive into some of the most tantalizing rumors surrounding what's sure to be one of the defining games of the next generation. Here are 108 details about Grand Theft Auto VI that we're throwing out because you never…

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Man Arriving Late To Meet Friends At Restaurant Banished To Farthest Reaches Of Table

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 09:17 AM PDT

PORTLAND, ME—Mere moments after arriving late to a dinner with friends at Daniel's Restaurant and Pub, 33-year-old software engineer Gregory Lasman found himself banished to the furthest reaches of the table, sources confirmed Friday. Eyewitness accounts revealed that for the offense of arriving 12 minutes after the…

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Biologists Discover Roots Of Washington Monument Have Spread Over 400 Feet Underground

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 09:13 AM PDT

WASHINGTON—Calling it one of the world's largest living organisms, biologists from Georgetown University discovered Thursday that the roots of the Washington Monument have spread over 400 feet underground. "It appears that since first being planted, the root structure of the Monument has grown far beyond its original…

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Could Puerto Rico Become America's 15th Good State?

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 07:33 AM PDT

Donald Rumsfeld Survived By 1 Million Fewer Iraqis

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 07:25 AM PDT

TAOS, NM—Former U.S. secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld passed away Wednesday at 88 years old, sources confirmed, and is survived by 1 million fewer Iraqis. "It is with tremendous sorrow that we share the passing of an American icon, whose legacy in decades of shaping U.S. foreign policy will be felt by the hundreds…

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Rumsfeld Family Immediately Squabbling Over Who Will Inherit Mounted Heads Of Iraqi Civilians

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 07:25 AM PDT

TAOS, NM—Raising tensions between the relatives to a fever pitch mere moments after the patriarch's demise, the family of Donald Rumsfeld immediately began squabbling over who would inherit his collection of mounted heads of Iraqi civilians, sources confirmed Thursday. "Grandpa would want me to have them since he…

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Ford Introduces New Environmentally Friendly Brown Paper Airbags

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 07:20 AM PDT

DEARBORN, MI—In what the auto manufacturer described as its boldest step yet in an ongoing effort to "be kinder to the planet," Ford announced Thursday that its entire 2022 line of vehicles would come equipped with environmentally friendly brown paper airbags. "To help conserve natural resources, the bags in our…

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Farce of July

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 05:00 AM PDT

Study: Half Of U.S. Cosmetics Contain Toxic ‘Forever Chemicals’

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 05:00 AM PDT

A recent study found more than half of U.S. cosmetics contain "forever chemicals," toxic industrial compounds called PFAS, that are linked to cancer and reduced birth weight, with the highest levels found in waterproof mascara and long-lasting lipstick. What do you think?

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