Friday, 2 July 2021

Points in Case

Points in Case

I Am Out of the Office, But Please Contact Me Anytime (Really, Anytime)

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 10:00 AM PDT

Thank you for your email. I'm out sick today, but for immediate assistance please contact my manager, Gary Dilworth (and if you are Gary, I'll be back tomorrow, I promise!).

Hi! I'm taking the afternoon off to attend my kindergartner's school play (Macbeth Jr.) and watch my child get beheaded. Onstage, of course. However, I will be checking email until the other audience members (and my husband) start glaring at me. For urgent matters, please reach out to Gary Dilworth, who will bombard me with angry texts in all caps until I respond.

Thanks for your email—I'm currently driving my kid to baseball practice because my unemployed-by-choice husband wants to finish his episode of Judge Judy, but feel free to text me anytime. I'll respond once I merge onto the highway—safety first!

Happy holidays! Our offices are closed until January 2nd, but I'll be constantly online because what am I supposed to do with all this free time—Sleep? Mop up my husband's spilled beer as he watches Dr. Phil? Or, as my husband says, "Put down the laptop, Susan, the kids are crying because you forgot to buy Christmas gifts—do I have to do everything around here?"

Hello! I'm out of office taking a mental health day and finally relaxing—after I drop the kids off at school, get an oil change, pick up my husband's dry cleaning, vacuum, cook dinner, and scream into a pillow for thirty minutes straight. I'll be periodically checking email, so if I don't respond to you within two minutes, please contact Gary and tell him I'm sorry for leaving thirty seconds early yesterday to go to my mom's funeral.

Greetings, if you're receiving this autoreply, it's nighttime and I'm unfortunately asleep in bed and not in the office (I know, such a slacker). However, my husband now sleeps on the couch because I've stopped giving him nightly foot massages, so please call or text if you need anything that can't wait until morning (A.K.A. everything, right Gary? Haha!) and I'll respond before you even hit "send."

Thanks for your message! I'm away camping with my husband in a last-ditch effort to salvage the shattered pieces of our marriage. I currently don't have Internet access, but I've assembled my entire desktop computer in my tent and am working quickly to build a Wi-Fi tower in this national park—Hey, those PowerPoints won't make themselves! If by tomorrow you still can't get ahold of me, please contact Gary, and he'll fly his personal helicopter in circles over my campsite and I'll return to the office ASAP.

Hi there! I'm currently giving birth, but since I'm only at 2cm I'll be responding to all messages until they force me to hold my baby. After today, I will be on maternity leave and completely offline for the next three hours. If you're a client, though, please feel free to stop by room 304 at St. John's Hospital. For all other matters, please contact my amazing, brilliant manager, Gary (who is the best boss ever, please don't fire me), and he'll forward your call to me. If you're my husband's divorce lawyer, tell my husband he can have everything, because who needs a house when I already sleep under my cubicle desk?

Thank you for your email. I died on December 9th from a freak cutting-off-my-leg-with-a-chainsaw-while-answering-work-emails accident, and I am currently buried six feet under without Internet access. In the meantime, I'm trying my best to return as a ghost to assist you. For urgent matters, feel free to ping me via Ouija board. (And FYI, Gary, I'll have those reports done by Monday!)

List: Questions a Pet Owner Asks about Puppy Bath Time or Questions My Showerhead Asks about My Bath Time

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 07:00 AM PDT

  1. Why does she complain when it's time for a bath but then complain when it's time to get out?
  2. Is it normal for her to drink water right out of the faucet? What about the bathwater?
  3. Her tummy is getting flabby. Is she eating too many treats?
  4. Should I be worried that she sometimes sits there with the water spraying her in the face?
  5. Why is she always trying to lick herself?
  6. She accidentally ate some soap. She'll just poop that out, right?
  7. Sometimes she makes sounds like an aardvark gagging on a cueball. Is she singing?
  8. There's one super long tuft of hair on her ass. Should it be trimmed?
  9. Is it okay for a nipple to be that shape?
  10. There's a flaky patch of skin on her back. Is it bad that she keeps scratching at it?
  11. Sometimes she puts her head underwater and holds it there for a while. Is she testing fate?
  12. She tried to hump the faucet. Should she be introduced to a mate?
  13. Why does she cry so much?
  14. Did she mean to pee on her rubber ducky?
  15. Sometimes she paces back and forth in the tub. Is this from existential anxiety?
  16. Why is she always putting her crotch in my face?
  17. She chewed off part of her nail and swallowed it. Is that going to hurt when it comes back out?
  18. As soon as she's wrapped up in the towel she starts to hump it. She needs a mate, right?

2, 5, 9, 10, 14, 18: Pet owner's questions
4, 7, 11, 13, 16: Showerhead's questions
1, 3, 6, 8, 17: Both
15: Might be both but I'm not a puppy so I really can't say
12: Let's pretend this is just about the puppy

I’m an Aesthetically-Pleasing Instagram Graphic about Social Justice, and I’m Here to Do Absolutely Nothing

Posted: 01 Jul 2021 05:00 AM PDT

Good to see you again, for the fourth time today! Sorry for clogging your feed, but something bad just happened—or maybe it's been happening for hundreds of years—and I need you to know that the person who posted me has a cursory understanding of the problem. They know it exists, and also, one point about it. See, I'm an Aesthetically-Pleasing Instagram Graphic About Social Justice, and I'm here to do absolutely nothing.

I'm a gorgeous infographic about a horrible crime, citing a statistic nobody will fact-check but plenty will share with their like-minded peers, suggesting that anyone who doesn't already agree with them "hit that unfollow button," because their ally-ship begins with spreading awareness and also ends with spreading awareness.

I'm a hip font on an eye-catching background. I'm a cake that says “end white supremacy.” I'm a black square. I'm a pen ink drawing of lady tits. My face shifts, but my message does not: "acknowledge this issue by liking this post. End of message."

Suck it, Woody Guthrie, this pastel motif kills fascists.

I'm something that isn't usually rainbow-colored, but rainbow-colored. Get it? Sure, the people in power who make life worse for LGBTQ+ youth on a daily basis won't see me no matter how many hashtags get added to me, and in all likelihood, neither will any LGBTQ+ youth. But I'm not for them. I'm for the person who posted me, and their friends, and the people they'd like to have sex with. And while we're talking rainbows, have you noticed just how white this person's entire friend group seems to be? Nope, because you've already scrolled away—perfect!

I'm the next evolution of protest art, as long as we define "art" as "a little bit of graphic design" and "protest" as "a gesture you make in between stalking your nemesis from middle school and shopping for sneakers in targeted ads."

I'm about how the future belongs to artists (I do not include a credit for the artist who made me).

I'm a well-intentioned shortcut. In the time it takes to come up with an original, researched, personal and action-based post, the world will move on to the next tragedy. So I become a placeholder for that week when we cared about that thing, and grids become issue graveyards littered with aesthically-appropriate memorials to crises we keep forgetting until another victim brings us scrambling back to post about how "this has to end." In fact, it has to end so much that it doesn't matter how complicated or nuanced "this" is. Just agree that it should end, or you're evil, and also bad and wrong.

I'm powerful. One time, a white supremacist wanted to do a mass shooting, but then he saw me and was like, "nah," I bet.

Oh, while you're here, can I get you to take a look at my caption, where a privileged person has unpacked their feelings in what might be the worst-written, most navel-gazing paragraph of all time? You'll notice that at the end you're directed to their bio which will take you to a LinkTree and at the bottom of that is a link to a google doc of resources and one of those is a place you can donate money which goes to a foundation which will give that money to a lawyer and then eventually the lawyer helps the disabled… become lawyers? I think? No one's ever actually reached the end of these directions so I'm not totally sure what happens but luckily, just by driving up my engagement, you've done your part for the day. Good for you!

No, you don't have to Like me, but didn't you get the memo that silence equals violence? And I'm not silence; I'm solidarity (with the other people posting me).

But hey, at least I'm not the fucking balloon guy.
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