The Onion |
- Man Reminds Himself That Painful, Nauseating Side Effects Just Means That Triple Bacon Cheeseburger Working
- Virtuous Bug To Be Reincarnated As Better Kind Of Bug
- Nation Pauses To Reflect On Heroic Sacrifices Of Will Smith’s Characters
- Mario Golf Producer Defends Choice To Use CGI Likeness After Death Of Luigi
- Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag
- Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600
- University Names College Of Fine Arts After Chadwick Boseman
| Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  SHEBOYGAN, WI—Shrugging off that he had been bedridden for the better part of the day, local man Jamison Kelly reminded himself Monday that the painful, nauseating side effects just meant that the triple bacon cheeseburger he recently consumed was working. "My muscles are cramping, I'm sweating, and I have a piercing…  |
| Virtuous Bug To Be Reincarnated As Better Kind Of Bug Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT |
| Nation Pauses To Reflect On Heroic Sacrifices Of Will Smith’s Characters Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  NEW YORK—Taking a somber moment to meditate on where it would be without those great heroes portrayed by the Hollywood star, the nation reportedly paused Monday to reflect on the noble sacrifices made by Will Smith's characters. "Whether the threat be domestic, international, or intergalactic, the characters Will…  |
| Mario Golf Producer Defends Choice To Use CGI Likeness After Death Of Luigi Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  TOKYO—Promising that the blockbuster release's depiction of the legendary would be completely respectful, Mario Golf producer Toshiharu Izuno defended Monday Nintendo's choice to use a CGI likeness of Luigi in the game after the star's death last year. "We have been in contact with Luigi's estate and received full…  |
| Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  When disaster strikes, a real survivalist is always prepared. Use The Onion's checklist to fill your bug-out bag with everything you'll ever need in the event you have to evacuate.  |
| Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600 Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting that he would be cleared of all wrongdoing and is the target of a media witch hunt, embattled horse trainer Bob Baffert once again denied doping allegations Monday after his horse Medina Spirit won the Coca-Cola 600. "It's a shame that my enemies are trying to downplay this historic…  |
| University Names College Of Fine Arts After Chadwick Boseman Posted: 31 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  Howard University has renamed its College of Fine Arts after the late actor Chadwick Boseman, who was an alumnus of the school and its 2018 commencement speaker. What do you think?  |
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