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- Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire
- SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown
- Easygoing Man Able To Take Whatever Sandwich Throws His Way
- Amazing Deal Alert: Mrs. Ableman Just Put A Steaming Hot Copy Of ‘Monster Hunter Rise’ On Her Windowsill To Cool
- U.S. Vows To Invade Next Country That Asks For Covid Vaccine IP
- Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers
- Fruit Fly Floating Lifelessly In Glass Of Wine A Somber Reminder Of The Perils Of Gluttony
- Possible Havana-Like Energy Attack Near White House
- Middle School Boys’ Basketball Team Down 1 Point With 3 Seconds Remaining Huddle Up To Discuss Masturbation
| Private Equity Firm Heartbroken After Realizing There No AOL Employees Left To Fire Posted: 03 May 2021 01:19 PM PDT  NEW YORK—Sorting through the assets of the new company they had acquired, private equity firm Apollo Global Management confirmed they were heartbroken Monday after realizing there were no AOL employees left for them to fire. "There isn't a single person left on the payroll for us to let go," said the visibly…  |
| SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown Posted: 03 May 2021 11:13 AM PDT  Elon Musk's private space company SpaceX successfully returned four International Space Station astronauts home safely in the first nighttime splashdown since 1968. What do you think?  |
| Easygoing Man Able To Take Whatever Sandwich Throws His Way Posted: 03 May 2021 10:50 AM PDT  BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren't worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. "I always try to make the best of the situation at hand, so even if this sub tosses me…  |
| Posted: 03 May 2021 09:40 AM PDT  Gamers, get ready to grab a great deal and run like your life depends on it! Mrs. Ableman from down the block just set out a steaming hot copy of Monster Hunter Rise out to cool on her windowsill, and you have mere moments to snatch it up before she comes back!  |
| U.S. Vows To Invade Next Country That Asks For Covid Vaccine IP Posted: 03 May 2021 09:35 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had reached a decision on their international response to the global pandemic, U.S. government officials reportedly vowed Monday to invade the next country that asks for Covid vaccine intellectual property. "We've heard the international community's bitching and moaning about us forcing…  |
| Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers Posted: 03 May 2021 09:20 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about an overly ambitious agenda, several politically moderate members of Congress issued a joint statement Monday calling for smaller numbers. "The proposals that our colleagues are putting forward, at times, contain figures with as many as seven or eight digits in them, which is simply…  |
| Fruit Fly Floating Lifelessly In Glass Of Wine A Somber Reminder Of The Perils Of Gluttony Posted: 03 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT  NEW YORK—In a chilling example to all who had borne witness, a fruit fly floating lifelessly in a glass of wine Monday was reportedly a somber reminder of the perils of gluttony. "A sad portrayal of what fate awaits those whose passionate appetites rage unchecked," said bar patron Jeremy Mitchell, noting the heavy…  |
| Possible Havana-Like Energy Attack Near White House Posted: 03 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT Federal agencies are investigating two possible incidents, including one near the White House last year, that appear similar to the mysterious directed-energy attacks being called "Havana syndrome" that caused debilitating symptoms for dozens of U.S. personnel in Cuba. What do you think?  |
| Posted: 03 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT |
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