Wednesday, 5 May 2021

Points in Case

Points in Case

Mowing the Lawn with Michelangelo

Posted: 04 May 2021 10:00 AM PDT

Everyday Artists

The world's greatest artists walk you through simple, everyday tasks.

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The choice of which grass to populate the yard begins with knowledge of sight. It is necessary to keep one's compass in one's eyes and not in the hand, for the hands execute, but the eye judges. It is God's finger that reaches to Adam, but his eye, his soul, engulfs him. Such then is your soul in evaluating your ideal lawn. Remember always that the greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark.

In choosing your grass, eliminate such dark entities as turf, or decorative rocks. And the promises of crabgrass are, for the most part, vain phantoms. Judge first your climate, bestowed by God. If you are of colder climate, place faith in the fescue, or bluegrass. If you are of warmer variety, zoysia or St. Augustine will give you the medium with which to craft your own Sistine Chapel.

Every blade of grass has a statue inside it, a David or a Pieta or even a Bacchus, and it is the task of the mower to discover it. The grass not yet mown can hold the form of every thought the greatest artist has. That is the word of focus here—thought. One mows with their brains and not their hands.

Whether mounted atop a rider as Moses guarding the tablets, or a pushing a standard mower as Joseph of Arimathea pushed the Lord Jesus to his feet, prepare the mind to see and the hands to create. It is not such an easy thing, mind you. If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery of my front lawn, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all. I am still learning.

It is in the forethought that the result is born. A steady checkered pattern, like Doni Tondo, is achieved by planning. By alternating up and down, as if weaving. There is no greater sight than the class checkered on St. Augustine. But once the mastery has been achieved, there are options—the spiral staircase, the criss-cross, the razzle dazzle. So long as the mind wanders, the options present themselves.

Pray with me now: Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish. Amen.

Now it is up to us, as it is up to the Lord on the last day, to deliver our Last Judgement upon the blades beneath our feet. Mow now. Mow, as if Pope Clement VII has commissioned it of you. And perhaps he has, sitting in his basalt chair in the heavens above.

A final thought before beginning—You may wish to bring a cold washrag, or glass of water, for the summer months are unforgiving and, while they cannot be defeated, they can be subjugated. Allow yourself to Madonna the child you will become in the pitiless monster of summer heat.

Walk steady, walk true, while pushing the mower. Or, if riding, take care not to joyride. You are here to mow, to create, to sculpt the history of yourself, the Lord your God, and your lawn. And while there is no greater harm than that of time wasted, genius is eternal patience, and in mowing, there is a foundation of patience required to free the beauty from the ground.

Make sure not to lose The Deluge at the edges of your lawn, perhaps upon the property line or along fences. For this, we venture away from the usual instruments of lawn sculpting and to the more specified chisel, the weed whacker, minding that no length of grass escapes the artist's eye, lest it be judged unfairly by the eternal eye of God, who beholds all.

On completing the lawn, marvel at your handiwork. A beautiful yard never gives so much pain as does failing to hear and see it. If we have been pleased with a good mowing, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes from the hand of the same master.

Congratulate oneself with an imagining of the next time. There is always another, so long as God is willing. Imagine the front lawn of God in the interim. A truly beautiful lawn is but a shadow of the divine perfection.

Quiz: Re-Entering Society After a Year of Quarantine or After 26 Years Stuck in Jumanji?

Posted: 04 May 2021 07:00 AM PDT

  1. You've spent a majority of your time talking to animals instead of other people.
  2. You're barely recognizable under your wild mane of hair and your massive jungle beard.
  3. You frighten people by running up to them in public and exclaiming, "It's me! Remember me!?"
  4. You atone for mistakes made before your unexpected disappearance.
  5. You became very well-acquainted with someone known as the Tiger King.
  6. Your outdated cultural references get you called things like "Grandpa," "Boomer," or "Tarzan."
  7. You have an impressive knowledge of botany and horticulture due to either a new hobby or the sake of survival.
  8. You have to buy new pants since you were significantly smaller the last time you wore them.
  9. You've been waiting for a miracle to occur so you can finally escape, like a vaccine, or someone rolling a 5 or 7.
  10. You have to rely on children to guide you through the current socio-political landscape.
  11. You are no longer fazed by the idea of a murderous swarm of hornets.
  12. You realized toilet paper is not as necessary as you thought it would be.
  13. You'll do everything you can to prevent it from happening again, such as listening to science or convincing Jim and Martha Shepherd to cancel their upcoming ski trip.

1-13: Re-entering society after a year of quarantine.
1-13: Re-entering society after 26 years stuck in Jumanji.

Barntalk.net’s Final Blog Post: What to Do When You Find Matt Damon Preparing to Reprise His Role as “Spirit” in Your Barn

Posted: 04 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT

Whew. Alright everyone, thanks for visiting barntalk.net yet again despite the overwhelming evidence that you should not. After writing up this thing, we have concluded that there are finally, at long last, no more barn-related topics to discuss. This will be our final blog post.

If you've stuck around with us through the past few years, we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts, and also ask you how and why you did such a thing. By all measures, our content started becoming desperate and totally unrelatable around August 2011.

But seeing as headlines like "Protecting Your Barn From Asteroids," "Barn Goblins—What Are They? Do They Respond To Physical Humor?" and "If Barns Had Fingers" have yet to convince you to unbookmark this mess, I guess today we are going to break down the do's and don'ts of dealing with Matt Damon when he takes up residence in your barn to prepare for an upcoming sequel of 2002's Spirit in hopes that you say something like, "this is ridiculous" and go find a new thing to read about.

Sorry for the looser than normal format. We are very tired of all this. Here's what to do when you find Matt Damon in your barn getting ready to reprise his role as Spirit the horse.

DO give him acting notes: Matt Damon is an experienced actor who is self-assured in his range and typically takes feedback very well. If you overhear him in your barn trying to do way too much with lines like "This land knows our footsteps—NEIGHHH!" provide him with a few comments. Keep it short, communicate confidently. Matt chose your barn for a reason—it appeared warm, safe, and a place where a horse-like Spirit might shit freely. He will trust you because of this, and appreciate your guidance. Now, please go report us to some sort of consumer protection agency. Nothing about what you just read is factual or relevant.

DO NOT clean up his shit: This might seem like Matt Damon shitting in your barn to facilitate a realistic horse environment 101, but it needs to be said that Matt Damon being surrounded in his own shit is essential for him to step into this character. Spirit the horse shits anywhere in the prairie he wants. Your barn is no exception. In order to truly bring Spirit to life, Matt Damon will need to explore this sense of freedom, and cleaning up his shit in your barn we assume would probably disrupt this process. Again, none of this information is usable. We are simply making outlandish claims with confidence. Visit a library.

DO bring him fresh hay: Horses eat hay, and so will Matt Damon during his stay in your barn. Waking up to a fresh trough of hay each morning will get him in the right headspace for a long day of neighing and shitting in your barn. What will it take for you to unsubscribe from our newsletter?

DO NOT tell him that Spirit Untamed has long been in production, is set to release Jun 4, 2021 and he has no role in it whatsoever: Under no circumstance should you tell Matt Damon that Dreamworks has already gone and made a Spirit sequel without him. Matt Damon feels very strongly about the Spirit franchise and this news will crush him entirely. He will curl up in a corner of your barn and demand that you put him down like an old horse no one needs anymore—like an old blog no one needs anymore. Please go away forever.
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