Points in Case

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• Starship Captain’s Log: 30-Day Yoga Challenge
• List: Sexiest Jug Blowers from Claremore, Oklahoma
• Advice to Bill Gates from One Divorced Man to Another

Starship Captain’s Log: 30-Day Yoga Challenge Posted: 10 May 2021 10:00 AM PDT Stardate: Day 1 of 30 After a full year quarantining aboard the Starship Enterprise to avoid a galaxy-wide pandemic, my body has issued a priority one distress call, signaling almost total disaster. This is likely due to my near-constant consumption of boxed macaroni and cheese in a futile attempt to hold my anxiety at bay. I have no recourse but to immediately begin a transformative exercise regimen. To that end, I have managed to secure access to an ancient video broadcast called a "YouTube Channel" that seems to fit my needs: "Yoga With Adriene 30-Day Yoga Challenge." I am excited to begin this quest to reset my mind and body, even as our starship continues to drift listlessly in orbit and we anxiously await a return to our normal life. Back then, all we had to worry about was encountering hostile alien life in the farthest reaches of deep space. It was a simpler time. Stardate: Day 7 With few other tasks to occupy my time other than the day-to-day maintenance of the Enterprise, I have so far found it easy to dedicate the requisite time to Adrienne's 30-day challenge and have learned much from her yogic teachings. After one full week, my mind feels more at ease, my body looser—particularly my hips and legs, as Adrienne, in her infinite wisdom, tends to focus on these areas in her practice. Adrienne is a revelation, and I am a new man. Stardate: Day 8 I hate this woman. Stardate: Day 16 After my profound setback over a week ago, I am pleased to report that I have found the resolve to continue with my daily yoga regimen. On that dark day, I managed to restore my willpower by using twice as much cheese powder in that afternoon's macaroni and cheese. Since then, I have found a second wind, and Adrienne's rigorous practices are now once again a source of daily delight. Stardate: Day 19 Today in shavasana, I broke down crying when I suddenly realized that Adrienne has been dead for hundreds of years. Who was this woman? Did she laugh? Did she love? Do her descendants walk these earths? I finally found solace in the knowledge that even if Adrienne's light has long been extinguished, she continues to spread that light to so many others (11.8 trillion, according to her YouTube views). Stardate: Day 22 Progress update: I can now touch my toes, as long as I am sitting down or bending my knees deeply. This milestone is a marked improvement in my kinesthetic ability, and it bodes well for my quest to disarm my body's distress call. Stardate: Day 24 If I have to do one more pigeon pose, I'm going to shoot something with my phaser—and it will not be set to stun. Stardate: Day 25 Though I am disappointed at myself for yesterday's lapse in mental and physical fortitude, Adrienne teaches us that our yogic practice meets us where we are and that we must be forgiving with ourselves, and so I have worked to let go of my failure by visualizing it floating gently away into the icy vacuum of space that surrounds our starship day and night. Stardate: Day 30 I have reached the end of my journey with Adrienne, and the feeling is bittersweet. On the one hand, my body's distress signal has been quieted and I can now sit cross-legged for nearly three minutes without pulling my groin. On the other, I remain where I began: adrift in the night sky, desperate to find ways to fill my time and feel productive. News of an imminent vaccine has me aching to set foot on terrestrial ground again, to encounter other life forms in person and not just by hologram. Adrienne would tell me to observe and acknowledge these desires, and then to let them pass, but I fear I lack the strength to release them entirely. In fact, merely pondering these real-world concerns again rapidly fills me with a great deal of anxiety, and so I resolve to acknowledge my sudden desire for comfort by inhaling a piping-hot bowl of macaroni and cheese. After all, Adrienne would want me to honor my intentions.

List: Sexiest Jug Blowers from Claremore, Oklahoma Posted: 10 May 2021 07:00 AM PDT I find jug-blowers to be the most sensual of the musicians, and any music nerd worth their salt is aware that Claremore, Oklahoma has the most enticing of these obscure instrument players in the country. These are the cream of the Claremore scene. Jedidiah "The Jug" Wilkesbury An obvious first entrant to this list. "The jug" is known for his unceasing eye contact during his sets and his rugged bad-boy persona. When Wilkesbury embarks on one of his famous 30-minute solos, I find myself hypnotized by his ability to command an entire room with one jug. The Pine Oak Twins Bilford Pine and Mumford Oak put together a jug-blowing duo that titlates the ears and the no-no area respectively. Though they have had a falling out recently, I just can't bring myself to choose a side. Instead I remember the good times, when these two 85-year-old twins would blow that sweet jug music into the warm summer air. Bubba "Bubs" Bubbleson Now, before you go to the comments and mercilessly make fun of this choice, hear me out. Bubs has seen better days, I'll admit that, but there's something about a silver fox that a jug hound like myself just can't resist. Call me crazy, but his rendition of “Susan Left Me (The Alimony Song)” brings me to tears every time I hear it live. Dwight The Mouth Come on. Do I even have to say it? Cliff "The Jug" Murphy-Coleman A bit of controversy with this pick. Some people take issue with Cliff "The Jug" Murphy Coleman's nickname, saying that it was blatantly copying Jedidiah "The Jug" Wilkesbury's stage name. But I am not here to talk politics. I focus on what I love about these beautiful musicians, not what I hate. Camden Brazile What? Haha, that's my name. That isn't supposed to be there. I'm not a famous jug-blower! Yet, at least. I mean, yeah I do have a demo tape, how did you know? I guess I could link to it in the comments, since you asked. Not that I consider myself one of the sexiest jug blowers, mind you. Why, yes, I have been working out, could you tell?

Advice to Bill Gates from One Divorced Man to Another Posted: 10 May 2021 05:00 AM PDT Start Budgeting Listen, Bill, If you're like me, you've done your research; you read all of the articles in Men's Health and Men's Fitness warning you how expensive divorce is and—like me—you probably said, "How bad can it get?" The truth is, when you're married, you get comfortable, and part of that comfort comes from relying on shared income with your spouse. Divorce means making sacrifices and that can mean saying goodbye to your morning cup of Folgers® Simply Gourmet®. Forgive Melinda I don't know the nitty-gritty details about your divorce, but if you're like me, I imagine Melinda probably blindsided you with some out-of-nowhere comment about how you're "constantly projecting yourself onto other people." But let's be real: You and your wife have been cooped up in a one-bedroom apartment for the past year, and that took a toll on your marriage. She's exhausted by your unrelenting desire to launch a music career before you turn 40, and you're tired of her asking you to clean up around the house when it's just going to get dirty again. Nobody is to blame here, it all comes down to circumstance. Get Used to Roommates I'm sure you're probably fantasizing about bachelor life, thinking you'll be living it up in a mansion on a lake like a rockstar, but the reality is you're going to need roommates and it's going to suck. This isn't the college dorm where your roommates are all exactly the same as you and like all of the same things that you do. You're a grown man now, so don't be surprised when your roommate flips out about the surf-and-turf tacos that you prep for the entire week and heat up in the microwave. Volunteer I get the sense that you're like me in that you are a hard-working person who is dedicated to the things you're passionate about, like music, but maybe it's time to start thinking about other people for a change. Volunteering doesn't mean you have to work at a soup kitchen. For guys like you and me, it might look a little different. Like maybe the best way for you to give back to the community is to pick up your guitar, find a street corner, and share some of the songs you've been working on. If you put out your guitar case, you may even make a few extra bucks. Lower Your Expectations Whatever happens, just know that this is going to be hard. Even if you find an apartment and a couple of roommates, there's no way to anticipate that they are going to kick you out with no notice, and then you're back to square one. My suggestion is to start small, find a few couches to surf before you find a place to call home. You're going to get through this Bill, but whatever happens, don't give up on your music.

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