The Onion |
- Out-Of-Practice Roger Goodell Crushes First Row Of Draft Prospects After Whiffing On Hug
- Mel Kiper Touts Draft Pick’s Unprecedented Etiquette Rating From Miss Wiltshire’s Finishing School For Players
- ‘Citizen Kane’ Falls Below ‘Paddington 2’ On Rotten Tomatoes
- Miami Dolphins Just Hoping To Draft Somebody Nice For Once
- Promoter Confirms Boxing Match Between Floyd Mayweather And YouTuber Olivia Jade
- ‘Half Life 3’ Announcement? Al-Qaeda Says They Have Something Big Planned That Will Change The World Forever
- Mom Casing Grocery Store Ahead Of Big Sale
- Terrified Zach Wilson Cuts Off Pinky Finger To Get Out Of Draft That Would Ship Him Off To Jets
- Biden Names Career Diplomat To Serve As White House Pet
- 5 Things To Know About The Vaccine IP-Sharing Controversy
- Embarrassed CIA Interrogator Realizing He Forgot To Ask Suspect What His Name Is
- Conair Unveils New Tiny Blow Dryer For Knuckle Hair
- Entomologists Identify Moth Species That Evolved To Fly Out Of Poor People’s Wallets
- Scammer Dated 35 Women For Birthday Gifts
| Out-Of-Practice Roger Goodell Crushes First Row Of Draft Prospects After Whiffing On Hug Posted: 29 Apr 2021 05:00 PM PDT |
| Posted: 29 Apr 2021 04:50 PM PDT  CLEVELAND—Claiming he has the skills to transform a franchise's dinner parties, NFL analyst Mel Kiper spent Thursday's draft touting offensive tackle Christian Darrisaw's unprecedented etiquette rating from Miss Wiltshire's finishing school for players. "You have to watch the tape and see this guy having tea, his…  |
| ‘Citizen Kane’ Falls Below ‘Paddington 2’ On Rotten Tomatoes Posted: 29 Apr 2021 01:22 PM PDT  Citizen Kane, often cited as the greatest movie of all time, lost its perfect score on film review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes after a negative 80-year-old critique demoted it below movies like Paddington 2 and The Terminator. What do you think?  |
| Miami Dolphins Just Hoping To Draft Somebody Nice For Once Posted: 29 Apr 2021 01:20 PM PDT  CLEVELAND—Lamenting that they had such bad luck finding good guys in the past, draft experts confirmed Thursday that the Miami Dolphins were just hoping to pick somebody nice for once. "We've wasted so many years drafting bad boys and it never works out," said general manager Chris Grier, clarifying that the team…  |
| Promoter Confirms Boxing Match Between Floyd Mayweather And YouTuber Olivia Jade Posted: 29 Apr 2021 01:00 PM PDT  LAS VEGAS—Capitalizing on the buzz surrounding high-profile exhibition fights, a promoter confirmed Thursday a boxing match between five-time world champion Floyd Mayweather and YouTuber and Instagram influencer Olivia Jade. "In partnership with Fanmio, Showtime, and Sephora, Mayweather is proud to add a second fight…  |
| Posted: 29 Apr 2021 12:55 PM PDT  Well, this is the sort of news we love to hear! It's been years since we heard a peep out of Valve about the elusive final installment in the Half Life trilogy but, in a recent announcement, the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda just claimed they are planning "something big that will change the world forever," and you…  |
| Mom Casing Grocery Store Ahead Of Big Sale Posted: 29 Apr 2021 11:00 AM PDT  DENVER—Hoping to get the lay of the land before the day arrived, area mother Alice Zeitman was reportedly casing her local grocery store Thursday ahead of a big sale. "We need to make sure that the actual operation goes off without a hitch, so I'm gathering as much intel as I can ahead of time," said Zeitman,…  |
| Terrified Zach Wilson Cuts Off Pinky Finger To Get Out Of Draft That Would Ship Him Off To Jets Posted: 29 Apr 2021 09:30 AM PDT  CLEVELAND—Trembling as he gripped a sharp knife and debated which finger he needs the least, a terrified Zach Wilson cut off his pinky finger Thursday to get out of being drafted and shipped off to the Jets. "I've heard about what happens there, quarterbacks leave home and they never come back, I don't want that to…  |
| Biden Names Career Diplomat To Serve As White House Pet Posted: 29 Apr 2021 07:55 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nomination would receive bipartisan approval from the Senate, sources inside the White House confirmed Thursday that Biden has tapped career diplomat Nicholas Burns to serve in his administration as White House pet. "Today, President Joe Biden announced his intent to nominate…  |
| 5 Things To Know About The Vaccine IP-Sharing Controversy Posted: 29 Apr 2021 06:18 AM PDT |
| Embarrassed CIA Interrogator Realizing He Forgot To Ask Suspect What His Name Is Posted: 29 Apr 2021 05:00 AM PDT  WASHINGTON—Admitting it was far too late into his line of questioning to backtrack, CIA interrogator David Fromm was reportedly embarrassed Thursday after realizing that he forgot to ask the suspect for his name. "God, I guess I'll just have to keep calling him 'buddy,'" said a blushing Fromm, who braced for the…  |
| Conair Unveils New Tiny Blow Dryer For Knuckle Hair Posted: 29 Apr 2021 05:00 AM PDT |
| Entomologists Identify Moth Species That Evolved To Fly Out Of Poor People’s Wallets Posted: 29 Apr 2021 05:00 AM PDT  CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the diversity of the insect world, a team of Harvard entomologists announced Thursday that they identified a previously unclassified moth species that had evolved to fly out of poor people's wallets. "Though sightings of this wallet-dwelling specimen have been reported for centuries,…  |
| Scammer Dated 35 Women For Birthday Gifts Posted: 29 Apr 2021 04:00 AM PDT  A 39-year-old man in Japan was arrested for defrauding at least 35 women of almost $1,000 by telling them he wanted a serious relationship as a way to get lavish gifts for his many made-up birthdays. What do you think?  |
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