The Onion |
- ‘Wait, Is That The President?’ Tommy Tuberville Whispers Halfway Through Biden Address
- Biden’s Child-Care Plan To Allow All American Parents To Drop Kids Off At White House Between 8 And 5
- CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines
- Top Prospects Of The 2021 NFL Draft
- Mind Full Mess
- Sweat-Drenched Woman Types Frantically As Countdown Threatens To Release Temporarily Reserved Show Tickets
- Researchers Determine Coelacanth Faked Own Extinction To Escape Massive Gambling Debt
- God Frustrated After Google Search Reveals Octopuses Already Exist
- Biden’s First 100 Days: Did He Keep His Campaign Promises?
- Woman Faces 21-Year-Old Felony Charges For Unreturned VHS Tape
| ‘Wait, Is That The President?’ Tommy Tuberville Whispers Halfway Through Biden Address Posted: 28 Apr 2021 05:55 PM PDT |
| Posted: 28 Apr 2021 12:05 PM PDT  WASHINGTON—In an effort to help cover costs for working families, President Joe Biden rolled out his child-care plan Wednesday allowing all American parents to drop their kids off at the White House between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. "Starting today, you can drop your tykes right off at the front gate, where a senior adviser…  |
| CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines Posted: 28 Apr 2021 11:12 AM PDT  The CDC has eased the nation's outdoor mask guidelines, saying unvaccinated Americans can go maskless outside alone or with members of their household while fully vaccinated people can forego masks outside completely unless in large crowds. What do you think?  |
| Top Prospects Of The 2021 NFL Draft Posted: 28 Apr 2021 10:20 AM PDT  Lawrence has been described as a generational talent that could transform a franchise, the kind of praise scrutinizing sports writers reserve for only 5-10 players per draft.  |
| Posted: 28 Apr 2021 09:36 AM PDT |
| Posted: 28 Apr 2021 08:30 AM PDT  PROVIDENCE, RI—Wiping beads of sweat from her brow as the web page's 5-minute time limit rapidly approached zero, local woman Justine Nichols typed frantically Wednesday as a countdown threatened to release temporarily reserved show tickets. "Oh my God, oh my God, hurry up, I don't have time for this," whispered a…  |
| Researchers Determine Coelacanth Faked Own Extinction To Escape Massive Gambling Debt Posted: 28 Apr 2021 08:06 AM PDT  ANN ARBOR, MI—Admitting that the shifty fish has managed to evade detection by mankind for thousands of years, researchers at the University of Michigan Museum of Paleontology discovered Wednesday that the coelacanth successfully faked its own extinction in order to escape a massive gambling debt. "For years we…  |
| God Frustrated After Google Search Reveals Octopuses Already Exist Posted: 28 Apr 2021 08:05 AM PDT  THE HEAVENS—Expressing annoyance at losing nearly a millennium of good work following the discovery, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly frustrated Wednesday after a Google search revealed that octopuses already exist. "Goddamnit, I've been filling up Moleskins with sketches of suction cup-covered tentacles and…  |
| Biden’s First 100 Days: Did He Keep His Campaign Promises? Posted: 28 Apr 2021 07:50 AM PDT  April 29 marks President Joe Biden's 100th day in office, a milestone that is traditionally used to evaluate whether a president is keeping or deviating from their campaign promises. The Onion evaluates whether Biden kept his campaign promises.  |
| Woman Faces 21-Year-Old Felony Charges For Unreturned VHS Tape Posted: 28 Apr 2021 05:00 AM PDT  A Texas woman was recently notified of an outstanding warrant for her arrest on felony embezzlement charges after not returning a Sabrina The Teenage Witch VHS tape 21 years ago to a now-closed rental store. What do you think?  |
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