Monday, 12 April 2021

The Onion

The Onion


Minnesota Police Say Officer Accidentally Discharged Weapon After Being Startled By Sight Of Gun In Own Hand

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 01:40 PM PDT

BROOKLYN CENTER, MN—In response to the death of another unarmed Black man at the hands of Minnesota police, Brooklyn Center police chief Tim Gannon told reporters Monday that the officer who killed Daunte Wright accidentally discharged her weapon after being startled by the sight of a gun in her hand. "You have to…

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Biden Announces Gun Control Executive Actions

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 01:17 PM PDT

President Biden announced several executive actions to tackle gun violence that include regulations on "ghost guns" and other effective but limited measures, while acknowledging the difficulties in passing any gun legislation through congress. What do you think?

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How To Deal With Common Dog Behavior Problems

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 11:30 AM PDT

Whether you've just adopted a puppy or have had your furry friend for years, it's perfectly natural to have questions about being a canine parent. Here are several behavioral issues common to dogs and how to correct them.

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Entirety Of Objectionable Human Behavior Explained To Toddler As Person Acting Silly

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 10:20 AM PDT

BATON ROUGE, LA—Noting the phrase's ubiquity as an answer to almost every uncomfortable societal question, sources confirmed Monday that the full range of objectionable human behavior was explained to local toddler Oliver Jordan as a person acting silly. "Everything from mental illness to public drunkenness to a…

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Judge Asks If Chauvin Jury Minds Sticking Around For A Couple More Police Misconduct Trials

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 10:00 AM PDT

MINNEAPOLIS—Promising that they would only have to return to the courtroom for a few days at most, Judge Peter A. Cahill asked the jury for the Derek Chauvin murder case Monday if they would mind sticking around for a couple more police misconduct trials. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know that there are…

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Nation’s Gimps Crawl On Washington Demanding Unfair Treatment

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 09:30 AM PDT

WASHINGTON—Making their way toward the Capitol on all fours and in full leather bondage suits, thousands of gimps from across the country crawled on Washington Monday to press their demands for unfair treatment, according to reports from the scene. "We call upon those mistresses and masters in power to use and abuse…

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Duke Point Guard Reemerges With 5 Arms After Entering Interdimensional Transfer Portal

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 08:21 AM PDT

Cadet Studying For Police Academy Exam Just Skimming Over Deescalation Training He’ll Never Use In Real Life

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 08:15 AM PDT

BLUE BELL, PA—In an effort to focus on practical skills, cadet Aaron Sanger studied for the police academy exam Monday by skimming over the sections in his training manual about deescalation techniques that he'll never use in real life. "I guess I'm technically supposed to know this stuff, but there's no way I'll ever…

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Change In Mobile App’s Logo Completely Disrupts Muscle Memory

Posted: 12 Apr 2021 06:06 AM PDT

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