Points in Case |
- Thank You from the Society That’s Been Growing Under Your Ass
- List: My Favorite Indie Songs and Who Sings Them
- The Time Has Come to Vaccinate America’s Ghosts
| Thank You from the Society That’s Been Growing Under Your Ass Posted: 12 Apr 2021 10:00 AM PDT My god… he stands! Down here, provider! The spot on the couch where you've been sitting! I can't believe we're finally meeting. Such a pleasure to put a face to the butt. Where are my manners? I am known as Emperor Flerg. And I'm proud to introduce you to the microscopic society that's been developing underneath your ass. Considering you've worked, napped, texted, streamed, read, sat up, sat down, sat around, and did literally every other thing you do without leaving this cushion, many of us thought this moment would never come. But there you are, actually up! I can see you're a bit startled. Allow me to explain. Ever since the Blessed Darkening (late March of last year on your human calendar), the constant presence of your behind hovering overhead has given us a sustainable climate to live and grow. After a brief incubation period, we emerged from a mixture of human sweat and various cracker crumbs. Thanks to you, our novel species of intelligent beings may roam these brown leather lands and pray to the red flannel ass above. Your commitment to sheltering our world has left us forever in your debt, provider! To be clear, this wasn't simply due to your lack of movement. You also made it easy for us to acclimate to the feel of your ass by rarely bathing or changing clothes. Like a human baby to its mother's bosom, we craved this singular, stale scent. And it was always there for us. As if that wasn't enough, our bodies are rich with nutrients after feeding on the many morsels that fall from your mouth during your nightly consumption of delivered meals. At first, we thought you didn't notice the food as it plummeted down to our world. But as time passed, you'd clearly take note of it, shrug, and leave it there. Such kindness, such mercy! All hail the provider, dropper of pasta! Please allow me to introduce my colleagues, Commander Zerg and Commander Verg, who are thrilled to pay their respects. Each oversees their own hemisphere, though calling them hemispheres is charitable. They're more like two lumpy, concave ovals. Both regions are comfortably deep thanks to your perpetual gaining of mass. As I'm sure you intended, your buttocks have multiplied in size, providing enough space for our civilization to advance beyond our wildest dreams. A few months ago, that area of the couch was uncovered terrain. Now it's a factory! Your ass has created not just us, but our jobs as well! Ah, Professor Qwerg! The professor's eternally grateful to you for his new research facility, where we've nearly finished an under-ass version of your favorite machine… the laptop computer! Initially, we presumed these devices were simply heaters for your lap, providing essential warmth much like your pillowy butt does for us. But as time passed, we watched you utilize them as all-in-one miracle machines, for anything from video conferencing with co-workers to viewing human pornography. Sometimes even both at once! We can only dream of achieving your masterful balance between work and pleasure, provider! I'm also thrilled to announce that you've left us enough half-empty cans of liquid depressants for us to establish our very own reservoir! While the taste of "beer" is not something we enjoy, we assembled this eager group of volunteers to gather a backup supply just for you, provider. Nothing brings us more pleasure than watching you drink until you pass out, laying down to cover us not just with your ass, but your entire prone body! Bless these habits you've developed over the past twelve months, provider! And finally, Dr. Erg here is continually in awe of the long, healthy lives you've given us. You'll be happy to know that thanks to your strict safety protocol of being completely and utterly alone, we've reported zero viral infections of any kind. In fact, we've discovered our respiratory systems are in superb condition, as your increasingly fatty diet has resulted in a high rate of oxygen-rich farts. When our ground quakes, we sprint into the streets with our mouths agape, ready to devour the medicinal air you blow out of your ass 60 times a day. We hope to inhale your revitalizing farts for centuries to come, provider! Forgive us for taking up so much of your time. This record-long break must mean you have plenty of sitting to accomplish. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you again for your unparalleled immobility. To the provider! May he never move!  |
| List: My Favorite Indie Songs and Who Sings Them Posted: 12 Apr 2021 07:31 AM PDT “Cigarette Burns in My Carhartt” – mommy Daddy “Wait, you haven't heard this song?” – Grandpa Jr. “Bryn Mawr” – cigarette milf “can U ask me out” – Girl Scout Camp “Boner Patrol” – Sport Ball “I have a crush on the ghost that's haunting me” – Dumb Sluts “Sex Havers Anonymous” – Tronald Dump “in between jobs” – bitch baby, girl “remember when i misread the vibe of the kickback at ur place and blacked out on a wednesday?” – nic0tin3 sad b0is “Manslaughter in F minor” – depressed priests “I Hooked Up With My Old Piano Teacher” – Dan “The algorithm made me realize I was gay” – The Queer Beers “Kissed me in ur Heelys” – Middle School Bully “I fucked Shrek in my dream last night” – Dr. Touchdown “call 911, i drank the lava lamp goo” – Rabies Babies “Boobies are pretty” – i luv boobies “Lavender Girl” – Four Men Who Will Literally Gaslight The Shit Out Of You “Look, I have a carabiner on my carpenter pants” – Soundtown “Jesus knew where the clit was” – Tomboy Mountain “Let's Explore The Haunted Mill” – we.met.in.homeroom. “Gordon Ramsey” – Guy Fieri  |
| The Time Has Come to Vaccinate America’s Ghosts Posted: 12 Apr 2021 05:00 AM PDT With more and more states expanding vaccine eligibility to encompass all living adults, the time has come to begin vaccinating the nation's undead. For too long, we have ignored the very real threat that COVID-19 can survive in and be spread through ectoplasm, a substance which spirit photography indicates is everywhere: spewed all over tombstones, creepy porcelain dolls, empty wheelchairs sitting in abandoned mental hospitals—ghosts will shoot their spectral spunk anywhere and everywhere. Ectoplasm's potential to spread COVID-19 compounds the virus's nature as an invisible and omnipresent threat, and it cannot be ignored. Getting this vaccine to as many people as possible is the key to ending the pandemic, whether they're living or in their post-life experience. Of course, vaccinating the nation's spiritual residents will have its challenges. The greatest stumbling block ultimately comes down to the issue of incorporeality. How do you inject a vaccine into a non-physical entity? There are a couple of ways of doing it, but they both have their downsides—a conundrum that epidemonologists call the "Ghost-or-Ghost Dad problem." The first method is to have the ghost possess a willing medium and then vaccinate that person while they're possessed, which will hopefully transfer some protection to the possessing entity, but this comes with a host of complications: first, you need to find an actual psychic—most of whom have very busy schedules as dog walkers—and it's very difficult to arrange the appointment for the second shot due to the movement of astral bodies. Some planetary alignments that are conducive to occult practices occur at times well outside of the range of the suggested waiting period between shots. The second way is to have the ghost manifest in the physical realm, which requires an enormous amount of effort on the part of the ghost, and many of them can't even muster up the energy to do it. Like in Ghost Dad. Further complicating the situation is the likelihood that the "anti-vax" movement extends beyond the grave. Vaccine distribution sites will have to prepare their workers to encounter unquiet spirits. Noise-canceling headphones should help with manifestations of constantly shrieking skulls, and protective padding will have to be provided to those who pose a high risk of attracting poltergeist activity. Workers should also expect to see shadowy figures doing that thing where their heads shake really fast, and prepare accordingly. The logistics of distribution could also be affected: vaccine manufacturers will need to compensate for the eventuality that significant amounts of the vaccine will be spoiled through transubstantiation into human blood. Even with these challenges, the effort will be worth it. States must take charge and expand vaccine eligibility to the corporeally challenged. We won't be able to go back to the old normal or paranormal, but to get to the other side of this, we will need the cooperation of everyone, both the quick and the dead. Until more states open vaccine eligibility to the deceased, you may be wondering how to protect yourself from otherworldly illness.
Above all else, study after study has shown that the best way to protect yourself from ghost-borne disease is to take a handful of grave dirt, mix it with the blood of a black cockerel, and anoint yourself with the mixture while standing naked in the light of the full moon. Listen to the science.  |
| You are subscribed to email updates from Points in Case. To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google, 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States | |
No comments:
Post a Comment